I was pleased to be invited to a party at a bar on the way home from work tonight. I rolled up to the joint to be greeted by a co-worker who has often repeated declarations along the lines of, "That's gotta be cold."
Well, it can be, but mostly it's not bad. First off, the core of us bicyclists is like a mini-nuclear reactor. The only things that generally get cold are extremities. Nose, fingers, toes. Usually the fingers are what bother me. That's why I got these sweet mittens recently,
after having consigned my old lobster claws to the "biking wounded" category.
Some extremity extremists, like many lonely (and sexy, horny) housewives, have resorted to chemical or battery-powered forms of warmth. Here are some of the more popular choices.
The statuesque Natural Contours Liberte
Back at the party I witnessed some chugging contests, shuffleboard and high-definition television. Pretty cool. But not cold. So get yourself warmed-up with some holiday cheer and have yourself a merry Christmas, dammit!
Now that I am about to turn 40 I have further broadened my interests somewhat to include telemark skiing. Yes, I am a sucker for outdoors activities that typically take place in the steeper portions of the country. Bungie jumping and budgie hunting. Rock climbing and painting. Hiking and getting lost. Telemark skiing, however, is a bit more extravagant than most of my former favs. It's expensive. I bought most of my stuff at this website, which seemed to have some below-average prices. And I don't live anywhere near a good place to use them. And I don't really know much about telemark skiing. As the gentleman at Scheel's quipped while he was thermofitting my boot liners, "I used to live out in Montana near Bridger's Bowl where there were a lot of telemarkers, now I live in the telemarketing capital of the country." Here's an example of what I got when I Googled "telemark Nebraska."
I'm pretty sure telemark skiing is for people who either want to get out into the backcountry for some expeditionary skiing excursions. Or for people like me who like to be different. Yes, it's kind of a common kind of compulsion for those of us who might otherwise/still be considered bland.
First I shoveled the driveway and the sidewalk a few times. Then I tried out my skis while the snow was turning to slush. Now my back is sore. Or maybe it's my kidneys. Probably both. Maybe I should have spent all that ski money on a whamadyne new snow-blower. Always trying to be different, eh Mr. Bland? Now here's a song by the real Mr. Bland. Mr. Bobby "Blue" Bland! (see above)
One thing that is not bland, however, is crossing fairly busy intersections on a bicycle. It is stressful at times. Will that car stop, slow down, accelerate, etc.? These are reasons why I have recently taken to singing Kenny Loggins' "Highway to the Danger Zone" as I approach an intersection.
I do not sing it as I am actually crossing the intersections, however, since I prefer to focus on the positions and trajectories of the primary potential hazards. I try to ride kind of slowly (i.e., at my usual pace) but purposefully so everyone can see me, take a sip of their mochacchino, and then choose a suitable course of action (preferably avoiding me in a predictable, serene manner). A bland intersection crossing is a good intersection crossing.
Over the river and through the woods sounds quite a bit more pleasant. Maybe I'll move north where I can telemark to work without any intersections. Of course "work" would probably consist of harvesting caribou or beaver. Or maybe sending some cheap pharmaceuticals back down to the U.S. Hope you are ready for that intersection/Christmas. Beware and bless you.
Don't you love it when you are bicycling along and you feel that, "Yes. This moment was meant for me to be bicycling"? It happens to me occasionally, and one of these occasions was yesterday. There was a slight amount of dewy moisture in the air. Slightly cool. My beard was dripping. And it was Friday! Ah, yes. It is times like this that I have "brilliant" inspirations that may not appear quite so brilliant upon later, more objective inspection. I saw a Hummer at the intersection. At this time I felt that bicyclists and Hummerists should participate in a "Big Brothers, Big Sisters" type of organization. It would be called "Toys 'n Tanks." The goal would be to form some kind of dialogue between these two seemingly disparate fringe groups. One bicyclist will be paired with one Hummerist. They would commit to spending at least 2 hours per month together in some kind of activity. Movie watching. Coffee or beer drinking (please, no other beverage suggestions - no other drinks are quite as 'merican [Mexico's outrageously greasy 'fro]/neutral as these). Possibly an off-road adventure activity. These meetings would continue indefinitely or until one was converted to the other's vehicle of choice.
"What about sleigh-flying as a mode of transport?" you ask. After all, bicycle-flying is a time-honored means of conveyance, as evidenced in the classic film E.T. and hinted at in the follow-up Super 8. Well, sure sleigh-flying might sound like a good way to get your jollies. But look at where this fat man seems to be stuck now.
How you gonna get outta this pickle, Ho boy?
In other winter misadventures, check out this crew.
This is the before photo - taken with an inadequate flash from an insurmountable distance.
Here's the after photo - taken under the same circumstances, except with the awesome 10W power of my classic Niterider Headtrip halogen headlamp.
If you are like me, you like to pour yourself a beverage, pop open another beverage, and kick back on a Saturday night to ponder the approximate lumen power of your lighting system. I'm sure I've cited this website before. Based on this site that I've frequently cited, one's sight can be assisted by an old-fashioned technical lighting system by about 190 lumens of YELLOW POWER!
Well, there's the requisite techno-babble that we bikeys love so. Now, as to the fate of this snow family. As the keen-eyed among us may have perceived, this family is now virtually headless. No head of the family. Preetty spooky, eh kids?
The Headless Snowfamily is undoubtedly a scary urban phenomena awaiting promulgation and the inevitable high dollar motion picture event. I think that the voices of John C. Reilly (father), Cheech Marin (mother), voice of Elmo (aka Kevin Clash) [daughter], and voice of kid in Up (aka Jordan Nagai) [son] will be the first choices for the snow family. A hapless bicyclist (played by the ruggedly handsome Viggo Mortensen) will witlessly land amongst the headless snow family during his heedlessly (not headlessly...... yet) reckless bicycle commuting. It is then that he is brought to tears in the arms of his beautiful love interest (played by Penelope Cruz) as the headless snow family haunts him and gradually turns him into a delicate, snow-like semblance of themselves. The film will end with Vigo liquifying and dripping through the arms of Penelope as they achieve climax together for one last, beautifully transitory moment.
Brings a snowy tear to the eye, eh? A sentimental time of year for many of us. Hearts full. Loneliness. A variety of emotions that can only be summed up by the powerful personality of one James J. Brown and his masterful "Santa's Got a Brand New Bag" and/or "James Brown's Funky Christmas" album(s). So please go get yourself one of these recordings and let the feelings of the season take you up and out of (t)reason.
It was unseasonably warm, but slightly soggy today. Here is a photo of what you would see if you were a camera lodged inside my skull's nasal cavity.
This snow family will probably not last long in these conditions.
Melting off one by one.
That reminds me of my friend, mentor and former co-worker. Here's where his bike used to sit.
And here's a bucket of some unidentified fluid that I believe might have been wash-water stored after he meticulously sprayed down his ride on especially mucky days.
Sigh. It was really great having a fellow bicycling commuter around. Maybe I can find a cardboard cutout to put in his old bike parking area, but I know it wouldn't be quite the same. Luckily for me, there are many online bicycle commuting-oriented websites to peruse. Two of my favorites are http://www.bikecommuters.com/ and http://www.ecovelo.info/
Bike Commuters is a little more straightforward and fun. Ecovelo is a little prettier and fluffier, much like my new mittens shown here.
craftjuice.com
To further opinionate, Bike Commuters is kind of like going to the bar and catching a band, whereas Ecovelo is like watching a documentary or foreign film of some sort at Film Streams. I have also recently (as in just now) learned that Ecovelo is closing its site! Yet another loss to the bicycling commaraderie I was once privy to. So, please feel free to send me your picturesque, possibly slightly oversaturated bicycle/landscape images instead. I will be sure to feature them prominently and write a haiku for each bicycle represented (within reason, of course).
Speaking of bicycling and movies, I was able to kick back and enjoy a film featuring bicycles entitled Super 8. If you haven't seen this movie, I should probably post this SPOILER ALERT. This movie was directed by Steven Spielberg and J.J. Abrams, and may as well be called E.T. or E.T.Two. It is a retake on the theme promulgated by the beloved 80s movie with a cute and misunderstood alien making friends with kids on bicycles. The alien even causes bicycles to fly and flies of on a bicycle-like spaceship at the end of the movie.
Although you may not realize it J.J. Abrams has directed the most recent Star Trek movie and created the TV series Alias. J.J. Abrams is also an avid cyclist, as he demonstrated by gifting Alias star Jennifer Garner with a bicycle nearly as pretty as my new mittens.
ratrodbikes.com
Since winter technically begins in about a week or so, I hear many (imaginary) people asking, "So what do aliens have to teach us about winter bicycling?" Well, here is what I have discovered about this topic.
Aliens don't like talking about bicycles, they prefer to communicate telepathically. But first they must establish a connection via touch. So go get touched by an alien and you'll be sure to pick up some great bicycling tips, you may even be able to ..... (dare I say it) fly! Whooo-hoooo!
As a frequent bicycle commuter I have encountered serious amounts of indifference and bewilderment amongst many commuters using other modes of travel. It is not that common for me to meet up with other bicyclists during my average day. However, up until last week I had a friend and mentor at the old rubber stamp making factory who is an avid bicycle commuter. Unfortunately we are no longer employed at the same agency. This is diplo-talk for "he got shit-canned." Of course I wish him the best. He will have to find gainful employment elsewhere, and I will have to adjust to not having anyone around to borrow socks and underwear from when I happen to forget them. Less commiseration and communication. Less bike geeking. I will probably start to talk to non-bicyclists about bicycles more. Talk to myself more. You get the drift.
I understand that heartless corporations often fire good people. But I must admit that I'm not really sure why Surly started making this bicycle, called the Moonlander.
Yes for the throngs of bicyclists who find that the Pugsley is not a wide enough load, they can now choose a bike that blows out the confining jeans of the "Fat Bike" category and establishes its own very wide niche which will inevitably be known as the "Obese Bike." I talked to a guy at the local sporting goods store about it after he set my skis set up. He bought one and said that it is hard to pedal on regular surfaces, obviously more so in snow.
As I have recently contracted an ailment which enables my natural laziness to really hit its stride, I am now participating in several actively lazy groups such as "Tea Time for Troglodytes"
and "Tea with Krumping."
Although tea with crumping sounds quite strenuous, both TTT and TwK are actually more sedentary than my previous forays into high-impact activities like bird-watching and gardening. This is due to the fact that the krumping portion of TwK is optional, and I prefer merely to observe from a stodgy, non-participatory seated position. Speaking of gardening, I am sorry to report that tomato season is winding down and I will probably have to find something else to pair with bread and peanut butter for my snacking tendencies.
Currently my favorite tea is Yogi's ginger tea, which is "good for digestion." So let's eat the last of the PB and T sandwiches, then kick back with a cup o' tea and some conversation, shall we?
