In these confusing and competitive times, people are often confused, confusing and/or competitive. It is no wonder that bicyclists often view themselves, or are portrayed by the media/Pixies, as superheroes.
Like superheroes and illuminated reindeer silhouettes...
we crave attention. We try to get attention through various means. We blog. We wear bright/tight clothes. We yell. We ring bells. We fall off our bikes. Mostly, despite these efforts, we are merely ignored.
Also, like superheroes, we may be competitive. All of us familiar with superhero mythology know that the Avengers and the X-Men were always trying to outdo one another, and vying to be the do-goodiest do-gooders. Same with the Justice League and the Teen Titans. Or the League of Extraordinary Gentlement and the Pile of Bums.
This evening I was all gussied up in my superhero-like jersey and ready to fly home when I realized that I had left my jacket upstairs where all the working stiffs were still plunking away on their keyboards. I got back upstairs and a co-worker, apparently stunned by my shining attire said "Whoa!"
Speaking of jerseys, here is the cool jersey available from the Bicycle Ride Across Nebraska (BRAN).
Pretty cool, eh? As you may have heard, you may register for BRAN here, if you are so inclined.
Superheroes also have a variety of perspectives. Superman is positive. Batman is kind of a realist and/or cynical. The Hulk is angry. The Tick is confused. Similarly, bicyclists have different perspectives. Some enjoy having a clear, unobstructed view of the path in front of them. Others, like me, prefer a brim to shelter them from the elements or the potentially blinding lights of oncoming traffic. Here is what that perspective looks like.
I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and as I was locking up my trusty BS-mobile I heard a kid outside Qdoba ask his mom, "Can I bring my tablet?" I could tell by his tone, that this kid would be a rather chunky, computer-oriented kid. The next thing I heard was, "Who is that?" I looked up and confirmed that both the kid and mom were a bit hefty, and also that they were looking at me warily. Truly baffling to see a man in reflective jacket and funny shoes.
I tried to reassure them, but despite their size they ducked quickly into Qdoba and began shoveling food into their faces before I got the chance.
Well here's what I would have said, "Be at peace, friends. For I'm no hero, merely a citizen.... like you!" Then I would smile rakishly and stride out, back to my multi-use trails, sidewalks and residential streets. Back to my home.
I hope that you have enjoyed some quality holiday experiences recently, because if you haven't than you might not want to read further because I am about to enumerate the recreational break with immodest amounts of gusto. Some serious holidaying was undertaken with a fair bit of success by yours truly. I made it out to a Colorado ski area where I struggled unabashedly with telemark ski bindings that were perhaps adjusted a bit too tightly, was nearly flattened by a careening snowboarder, drove a Chevy Metro at it's maximum speed of 65 mph for several hours, and then returned home in time to get out to Tranquility Park for some off road bicycling! Whew! I may not recover for several more days. Here are some photos from my skiing trip.
Here are some things I learned about ski trips- 1. People that work in the ski industry are generally peppy and helpful. 2. If you want to have a shorter wait for a lift, try to find one that is not too close to the kids ski school. If you are near the kids school, you may feel like you are constantly surrounded by Oompa-Loompas from the Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. More on this later. 3. If you are like me and don't know much about snow sports, you may want to learn about skiing or snowboarding by watching other snow sportsters skiing/boarding while riding the lift nervously upwards. The bird's eye view provided a kind of "a-ha" moment for me in my fledgling telemarking development.The kids ski school is a surreal place. Kids will occasionally overrun the lifts nearest the school, led by an instructor who will shepherd her rambunctious charges towards the chairs on the lifts. Kids will become flattened by chairs, fall off chairs, drop things from chairs, and dangle (delightedly terrified) from the sides of chairs in a kind of controlled chaos as the group ascends towards its topsy-turvy descent back down the hill. I have inside information that an upcoming (unsanctioned by the Estate of Roald Dahl) Willy Wonka movie, starring Justin Bieber as Willy Wonka's brother Izzy, will take place at a kind of ski resort/frozen dairy product factory called "Izzy's Iced Incidentals Industry." The famous Oompa-Loompas from the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory will be transported to a cooler climate. As global climate change continues, towards the end of the movie the stage will be set for a showdown between Izzy's 'Loompas and Santa's elves in a territorial battle for supremacy. In the sequel to this sequel watch for some vicious fights and jokes involving short guy complexes. Also some great stop-action animation, claymation and CGI effects.
I finally made it back home. Have you ever not really wanted to go for a bike ride, but your friend really wants to go for one? Well, I didn't really want to go out in the 30-degree weather for an off road bicycle adventure, I wanted to sit around and stare vacantly at screens. But I reluctantly rode with my buddy and actually had a good, snotty time. The trails at Tranquility are mostly dry and fast these days, with occasionally tracked/rutted up areas and some slightly damp/frozen greasy areas. There is also a new large log crossing that I chickened out on. Next time, large log, next time.
Now that it is 2012, I have made a resolution to ride my bicycle across most of the great (or at least long) State of Nebraska. That's right, the 32nd annual Bicycle Ride Across Nebraksa (BRAN) is scheduled for June 3rd through June 9th. My enthusiastic uncle and overzealous father have coerced me into committing to this long-winded excursion across the plains. So come on out and enjoy the joy, or come up with a better New Year's resolution before someone wrangles you into jumping aboard their resolution wagon. I find the more sober I am when I make my resolution, the less intoxicated I have to be to actually complete/flee my commitment.
So it's now 2012, eh? Mayan predictions notwithstanding I think that this year will be the year in which we not only continue to exist, but are also ridiculously zany. Let's all enjoy the zany antics of the Republican contenders, as they wrassle around with one another like Oompa-Loompas trying to get on the ski lift. Get a little zany with your friend(s)/family. Zany modes of transport are sure to be hits. Here's something I witnessed during my ski trip that I had never beheld before, nor dreamed of in my stickiest wildest dreams.
That's right. If you wanna keep your knees locked closely together so that you don't end up in an involuntary splits or tangled up in a mess of skis, boots and swollen knees, you may be interested in purchasing one of these new-fangled-looking contraptions called monoskis. Here's what Lance Armstrong's Livestrong organization has to say about purchasing a monoski.
I was pleased to be invited to a party at a bar on the way home from work tonight. I rolled up to the joint to be greeted by a co-worker who has often repeated declarations along the lines of, "That's gotta be cold."
Well, it can be, but mostly it's not bad. First off, the core of us bicyclists is like a mini-nuclear reactor. The only things that generally get cold are extremities. Nose, fingers, toes. Usually the fingers are what bother me. That's why I got these sweet mittens recently,
after having consigned my old lobster claws to the "biking wounded" category.
Some extremity extremists, like many lonely (and sexy, horny) housewives, have resorted to chemical or battery-powered forms of warmth. Here are some of the more popular choices.
The statuesque Natural Contours Liberte
Back at the party I witnessed some chugging contests, shuffleboard and high-definition television. Pretty cool. But not cold. So get yourself warmed-up with some holiday cheer and have yourself a merry Christmas, dammit!
Now that I am about to turn 40 I have further broadened my interests somewhat to include telemark skiing. Yes, I am a sucker for outdoors activities that typically take place in the steeper portions of the country. Bungie jumping and budgie hunting. Rock climbing and painting. Hiking and getting lost. Telemark skiing, however, is a bit more extravagant than most of my former favs. It's expensive. I bought most of my stuff at this website, which seemed to have some below-average prices. And I don't live anywhere near a good place to use them. And I don't really know much about telemark skiing. As the gentleman at Scheel's quipped while he was thermofitting my boot liners, "I used to live out in Montana near Bridger's Bowl where there were a lot of telemarkers, now I live in the telemarketing capital of the country." Here's an example of what I got when I Googled "telemark Nebraska."
I'm pretty sure telemark skiing is for people who either want to get out into the backcountry for some expeditionary skiing excursions. Or for people like me who like to be different. Yes, it's kind of a common kind of compulsion for those of us who might otherwise/still be considered bland.
First I shoveled the driveway and the sidewalk a few times. Then I tried out my skis while the snow was turning to slush. Now my back is sore. Or maybe it's my kidneys. Probably both. Maybe I should have spent all that ski money on a whamadyne new snow-blower. Always trying to be different, eh Mr. Bland? Now here's a song by the real Mr. Bland. Mr. Bobby "Blue" Bland! (see above)
One thing that is not bland, however, is crossing fairly busy intersections on a bicycle. It is stressful at times. Will that car stop, slow down, accelerate, etc.? These are reasons why I have recently taken to singing Kenny Loggins' "Highway to the Danger Zone" as I approach an intersection.
I do not sing it as I am actually crossing the intersections, however, since I prefer to focus on the positions and trajectories of the primary potential hazards. I try to ride kind of slowly (i.e., at my usual pace) but purposefully so everyone can see me, take a sip of their mochacchino, and then choose a suitable course of action (preferably avoiding me in a predictable, serene manner). A bland intersection crossing is a good intersection crossing.
Over the river and through the woods sounds quite a bit more pleasant. Maybe I'll move north where I can telemark to work without any intersections. Of course "work" would probably consist of harvesting caribou or beaver. Or maybe sending some cheap pharmaceuticals back down to the U.S. Hope you are ready for that intersection/Christmas. Beware and bless you.
Don't you love it when you are bicycling along and you feel that, "Yes. This moment was meant for me to be bicycling"? It happens to me occasionally, and one of these occasions was yesterday. There was a slight amount of dewy moisture in the air. Slightly cool. My beard was dripping. And it was Friday! Ah, yes. It is times like this that I have "brilliant" inspirations that may not appear quite so brilliant upon later, more objective inspection. I saw a Hummer at the intersection. At this time I felt that bicyclists and Hummerists should participate in a "Big Brothers, Big Sisters" type of organization. It would be called "Toys 'n Tanks." The goal would be to form some kind of dialogue between these two seemingly disparate fringe groups. One bicyclist will be paired with one Hummerist. They would commit to spending at least 2 hours per month together in some kind of activity. Movie watching. Coffee or beer drinking (please, no other beverage suggestions - no other drinks are quite as 'merican [Mexico's outrageously greasy 'fro]/neutral as these). Possibly an off-road adventure activity. These meetings would continue indefinitely or until one was converted to the other's vehicle of choice.
"What about sleigh-flying as a mode of transport?" you ask. After all, bicycle-flying is a time-honored means of conveyance, as evidenced in the classic film E.T. and hinted at in the follow-up Super 8. Well, sure sleigh-flying might sound like a good way to get your jollies. But look at where this fat man seems to be stuck now.
How you gonna get outta this pickle, Ho boy?
In other winter misadventures, check out this crew.
This is the before photo - taken with an inadequate flash from an insurmountable distance.
Here's the after photo - taken under the same circumstances, except with the awesome 10W power of my classic Niterider Headtrip halogen headlamp.
If you are like me, you like to pour yourself a beverage, pop open another beverage, and kick back on a Saturday night to ponder the approximate lumen power of your lighting system. I'm sure I've cited this website before. Based on this site that I've frequently cited, one's sight can be assisted by an old-fashioned technical lighting system by about 190 lumens of YELLOW POWER!
Well, there's the requisite techno-babble that we bikeys love so. Now, as to the fate of this snow family. As the keen-eyed among us may have perceived, this family is now virtually headless. No head of the family. Preetty spooky, eh kids?
The Headless Snowfamily is undoubtedly a scary urban phenomena awaiting promulgation and the inevitable high dollar motion picture event. I think that the voices of John C. Reilly (father), Cheech Marin (mother), voice of Elmo (aka Kevin Clash) [daughter], and voice of kid in Up (aka Jordan Nagai) [son] will be the first choices for the snow family. A hapless bicyclist (played by the ruggedly handsome Viggo Mortensen) will witlessly land amongst the headless snow family during his heedlessly (not headlessly...... yet) reckless bicycle commuting. It is then that he is brought to tears in the arms of his beautiful love interest (played by Penelope Cruz) as the headless snow family haunts him and gradually turns him into a delicate, snow-like semblance of themselves. The film will end with Vigo liquifying and dripping through the arms of Penelope as they achieve climax together for one last, beautifully transitory moment.
Brings a snowy tear to the eye, eh? A sentimental time of year for many of us. Hearts full. Loneliness. A variety of emotions that can only be summed up by the powerful personality of one James J. Brown and his masterful "Santa's Got a Brand New Bag" and/or "James Brown's Funky Christmas" album(s). So please go get yourself one of these recordings and let the feelings of the season take you up and out of (t)reason.
It was unseasonably warm, but slightly soggy today. Here is a photo of what you would see if you were a camera lodged inside my skull's nasal cavity.
This snow family will probably not last long in these conditions.
Melting off one by one.
That reminds me of my friend, mentor and former co-worker. Here's where his bike used to sit.
And here's a bucket of some unidentified fluid that I believe might have been wash-water stored after he meticulously sprayed down his ride on especially mucky days.
Sigh. It was really great having a fellow bicycling commuter around. Maybe I can find a cardboard cutout to put in his old bike parking area, but I know it wouldn't be quite the same. Luckily for me, there are many online bicycle commuting-oriented websites to peruse. Two of my favorites are http://www.bikecommuters.com/ and http://www.ecovelo.info/
Bike Commuters is a little more straightforward and fun. Ecovelo is a little prettier and fluffier, much like my new mittens shown here.
craftjuice.com
To further opinionate, Bike Commuters is kind of like going to the bar and catching a band, whereas Ecovelo is like watching a documentary or foreign film of some sort at Film Streams. I have also recently (as in just now) learned that Ecovelo is closing its site! Yet another loss to the bicycling commaraderie I was once privy to. So, please feel free to send me your picturesque, possibly slightly oversaturated bicycle/landscape images instead. I will be sure to feature them prominently and write a haiku for each bicycle represented (within reason, of course).
Speaking of bicycling and movies, I was able to kick back and enjoy a film featuring bicycles entitled Super 8. If you haven't seen this movie, I should probably post this SPOILER ALERT. This movie was directed by Steven Spielberg and J.J. Abrams, and may as well be called E.T. or E.T.Two. It is a retake on the theme promulgated by the beloved 80s movie with a cute and misunderstood alien making friends with kids on bicycles. The alien even causes bicycles to fly and flies of on a bicycle-like spaceship at the end of the movie.
Although you may not realize it J.J. Abrams has directed the most recent Star Trek movie and created the TV series Alias. J.J. Abrams is also an avid cyclist, as he demonstrated by gifting Alias star Jennifer Garner with a bicycle nearly as pretty as my new mittens.
ratrodbikes.com
Since winter technically begins in about a week or so, I hear many (imaginary) people asking, "So what do aliens have to teach us about winter bicycling?" Well, here is what I have discovered about this topic.
Aliens don't like talking about bicycles, they prefer to communicate telepathically. But first they must establish a connection via touch. So go get touched by an alien and you'll be sure to pick up some great bicycling tips, you may even be able to ..... (dare I say it) fly! Whooo-hoooo!
As a frequent bicycle commuter I have encountered serious amounts of indifference and bewilderment amongst many commuters using other modes of travel. It is not that common for me to meet up with other bicyclists during my average day. However, up until last week I had a friend and mentor at the old rubber stamp making factory who is an avid bicycle commuter. Unfortunately we are no longer employed at the same agency. This is diplo-talk for "he got shit-canned." Of course I wish him the best. He will have to find gainful employment elsewhere, and I will have to adjust to not having anyone around to borrow socks and underwear from when I happen to forget them. Less commiseration and communication. Less bike geeking. I will probably start to talk to non-bicyclists about bicycles more. Talk to myself more. You get the drift.
I understand that heartless corporations often fire good people. But I must admit that I'm not really sure why Surly started making this bicycle, called the Moonlander.
Yes for the throngs of bicyclists who find that the Pugsley is not a wide enough load, they can now choose a bike that blows out the confining jeans of the "Fat Bike" category and establishes its own very wide niche which will inevitably be known as the "Obese Bike." I talked to a guy at the local sporting goods store about it after he set my skis set up. He bought one and said that it is hard to pedal on regular surfaces, obviously more so in snow.
As I have recently contracted an ailment which enables my natural laziness to really hit its stride, I am now participating in several actively lazy groups such as "Tea Time for Troglodytes"
and "Tea with Krumping."
Although tea with crumping sounds quite strenuous, both TTT and TwK are actually more sedentary than my previous forays into high-impact activities like bird-watching and gardening. This is due to the fact that the krumping portion of TwK is optional, and I prefer merely to observe from a stodgy, non-participatory seated position. Speaking of gardening, I am sorry to report that tomato season is winding down and I will probably have to find something else to pair with bread and peanut butter for my snacking tendencies.
Currently my favorite tea is Yogi's ginger tea, which is "good for digestion." So let's eat the last of the PB and T sandwiches, then kick back with a cup o' tea and some conversation, shall we?
