Febeerary's almost here!

January 29, 2012

I have become aware that some beer-related events are about to occur in the vicinity of our moderately fair city of Omaha.

Item: Enpyrean Trail 5K Run at Camp Carol Joy Holling on February 18, start time at 11:00. Sponsored by Empyrean Brewing Co. and Lazlo's Brewery and Grill, will feature food and 2 free beers with $35 registration (before February 1), $41 later. Out by Ashland.  They'll even have a beer brewed specifically for the event - Luther Lager (it's a Lutheran Camp/Convention Area).

Another Item: Omaha Beer Week, February 3-11. Various events, mostly involving local breweries, pint glasses, swag, beer-geeks.  There are apparently some beer hall type establishments here in Omaha that I haven't been - the Lauter Tun in the Oakview Mall area, and Krug Park in the Benson area.

So these are some highlights of the upcoming month for me. Two bicycle-related items of note too:
As I have mentioned previously, there's the 5 Bar-brrr-o ride next Sat (starts at 11).  Incidentally, this is during beer week, and the Huber Haus is having a beer swap meet event from noon to 3 or so -

Saturday Feb 4th

The Crescent Moon

10:00am-11:30am: Brews and Breakfast. Reserve your spot by calling or stopping in at Beertopia. $20 includes 4 beers and a 3 course Breakfast.

12:00pm-3:00pm: Beer Corner USA Beer Swap, Silent Auction and Flea Market at the Huber Haus. You may bring bottles of rare favorites to swap or to consign in the Silent Auction. The beer swag focused Flea Market will be set up at this time.

Saturday Feb 4th

The Crescent Moon

12:00pm-3:00pm: Beer Corner USA Beer Swap, Silent Auction and Flea Market at the Huber Haus. You may bring bottles of rare favorites to swap or to consign in the Silent Auction. The beer swag focused Flea Market will be set up at this time.

Thursday, February 9, 7 p.m., Bicycle Dreams at Aksarben Cinema.

Hope to see you there!
BSnot

Laser Eyes! Streetchh! Okay, activate!

January 28, 2011

I am happy to report that the approximate time necessary to safely return to bicycling after Lasik surgery is only one week. So I was back on my bicycle and I think that the public is safer for it. When I was questioned about my night vision I said that it is much better than it was when I was wearing my scratched up spectacles. The only dangerous part about my night vision is that things appear so vivid that I am distracted by them while pedaling happily around and about.

I am, so far, satisfied with my laser-eye surgery. I would like to offer a possibly premature, but still unreserved, recommendation for the Omaha Eye and Laser Institute, where I got my laser vision.

A scuba-diving buddy of mine implied that Lasik was for chumps and that photorefractive keratectomy (PRK) was the more manly, more painful operation for improving vision. That may possibly be true for scuba-divers, but I am happy snorkeling from time to time. What I probably don't need are more equipment-oriented recreational outdoor activities. Descriptions of PRK seem to vary, but may it may involve peeling the clear epithelium off of your cornea like scraping off a wet wipe plastered on a soccer ball (or like peeling a grape).  The epithelium apparently regrows on top of your cornea.

I have recently noticed many runners and walkers on the streets, sidewalks, and multi-use paths of town.  They may have always been there, but I just didn't notice them before I gained my ultra-powerful laser perception.  This past Friday I noticed a runner doing some Olympic-sprinter-like stretches on the sidewalk. Another guy was leaning on a pole, and was either stretching or else tired - like George Thoroughgood when he was out looking for a job in that song One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer.

Stretching is indeed big business these days. My cousin recommended a book called Stretching that has stretches for nearly every occasion. There's a section for mountain biking, one for office work, and one for watching TV. Stretches for after sitting and before and after gardening. Table tennis and trekking poles.

Although I am a staunch closet stretcher, I prefer not to stretch much in public. What happened to the days when women did yoga in the privacy of their living rooms with a televised yogi instructor? Nowadays kids are probably learning yoga in school and developing interest in Hindu deities due to these ancient forms of exercise/worship.

Maybe that's not all bad. Stretching the brain a bit.

Today I made it down to a local bike shop called Re-Cycle that carries some used bicycles.  The staff seemed very upbeat and helpful.  I saw a couple of cool classic looking cycles with chipped paint and lots of character.  One had an internal gear rear hub.  Prices (and quality) a little more than your local pawn shop, but perhaps less likely to be stolen.  Choose wisely.  Your stretching style and karma may be at steak stake!  Whaaattt!?  Somebody dork slap my karma! 

Crisis Dragon Salutations!

January 24, 2012

Year of Dragon! Auspicious tidings are sure to follow!

I regret to inform you that I have been away from my blogging space lately due to the fact that I am trying to have an early mid-life crisis. I hope to perhaps make these a permanent way of life, because I'm pretty sure it means I just feel like doing whatever the hell I want. The plural for crisis is crisissies, and I intend to be a crississier from here on out. If you think you can out crisissy me, then bring it on! As you may know, the year of the Dragon is also the year of the crisis and crisis = opportunity in the Chifeng dialect of Cantonese Chinese language. So it is auspicious time for crisissies.

Now that I am 40 and crississifying I have done the following:

1. Bought some skis and went skiing.
2. Had Lasik surgery.
3. Considered the IRA.  (By IRA I just mean an individual retirement account, but still pretty rebellious, eh laddies?!)
4. Become an even worse driver.
5. Become more absent-minded.

So look out! Not content with being a two-wheeled threat, I am now selfishly spinning around distractedly, with unfamiliarly sharp vision on 4 wheels. I am serious too. I've been honked at and thanked the great Dragon for the opportunity to avoid unwanted traffic crississies due to the vigilance of other motorists, bicyclists and pedestrians. Thank you for your attention.

Due to the Lasik surgery, I am forced to sit around alot. It ain't easy, but I am adjusting quite well, if I do say so myself. Luckily for me, the local bicycle cognazati has informed me of some expletively exciting upcoming bicycle-related events. Here they are -

"5 bar-brrr-O" ride on February 4!

We decided to celebrate 2 two of our favorite rides-the BRRRRR and 5 Borough NYC ride, combine them into one, and best yet....

not go out of the city to do it : )

In fact, one of our fellow riders from Team Escape From New York, will be flying in partake in the festivities

Details:

When: Saturday Feb. 4

Start: 11AM

Proposed route:

Dundee Dell-start

 Homey Inn

Crescent Moon

Sullivan's

Varsity

Dundee Dell-end

BICYCLE DREAMS, AWARD-WINNING DOCUMENTARY FILM ABOUT RACE ACROSS AMERICA

When              Thursday, February 9, 2012

Time               7:00pm until 10:00pm

Where             Aksarben Cinema

Description    Documentary film “Race Across America”

Tickets will be $11 in advance and $15 at the door the night of the show. To purchase advance tickets, order online at www.imathlete.com/events/bicycledreams.  The Aksarben Cinema is located at 2110 South 67th St. in Omaha.

The film is sponsored by the Bellevue Bicycle Club and the Omaha Pedalers Bicycle Club.  Proceeds earned by the two cycling clubs will be donated to a new bicycle lane project.  The cities of Omaha and Bellevue, as well as MAPA and the Nebraska Department of Transportation, are teaming up to with private bike clubs and donors to create a bicycle lane connecting Bellevue/Offutt Air Force Base with Omaha and its bike lane system.  The new bike lane will run from Offutt Air Force Base north along Fort Crook Road to 13^th Street in Omaha, ultimately connecting with the Old Market North Downtown and the Bob Kerry pedestrian bridge areas. 

__._,_.___

 

My friend also informed me that a sweet bicycle (Jamis Nova Pro) was for sale on Craigslist for $800.  I was thinking about possibly considering buying it (luckily someone else already seems to have bought it), but one thing that midlife has not changed is my moderate to severe stinginess.
To have a good midlife crisis, it seems helpful to have a reasonable amount of disposable income. Luckily I have been able to afford my modestly stingy crisis so far due to the fact that I no longer like to go out at night with my friends friend. I stay home and cantankerously type, read Conan comic books and look suspiciously around my yard for vermin and/or neighborhood brats.

So get outta my yard and get your own damn crisis to play in, ya punks!

January Dreamin'

January 16, 2011

It was so hellishly warm yesterday that the park was aswarm (ass-warm?) with doggies, peoples and their ilk. I was drawn into this cesspool of humanity like a teenage girl to a mall. I slipped into my shorts and paleoslippers

and exited out for a quick exercism. While jogging haggardly homewards a fit young man accompanied by a father-like figure and a dog-like creature, boldly queried me from about 50 paces, "So you new to the Vibrams?"

"No, I'm just slow."
"They're really good for your stabilizers," he enthused knowingly.
"You got some?!" I retorted (I didn't know what I meant, either...stabilizers? Vibrams?)
"Nope. I do a bit of barefoot running," he modestly boasted.


Hmmm. Good for you, Mr. Know -it-all.

Now that I am a nearly mature 40 years of age, I'll have to try to project a crankier vibe so that these young whippersnappers don't holler friendily at me from across the park. It's just that it's hard to be cranky on a sweltering January day like it was on Sunday. Indeed, this gregarious sapling put me in a good mood despite my grumpy aspirations.

Here's another reason I was so cheery.

A well-stocked refrigerator.

Today I went out on the Old Bastard, blowing snot and hawking lugies merrily.

As you may know, today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. MLK is an inspiration to many and was a great man. A documentary about Benazir Bhutto last night on PBS's Independent Lens made me begin to draw a few parallels between these two idealists. She engaged in many marches (albeit as a political candidate) against the established order - the military ruling class of Pakistan. She elicited a powerful response from those she represented and from her enemies.  

I had a dream last night that I was a student in a Pakastani school and I was chatting and doodling on a paper bag with a girl sitting next to me. The teacher ran over and began to cut up the drawings with a pizza cutter and set them on fire. One of her animal sketches (I think it was a turtle, or a fish) flew away, partially aflame.

Not as great of a dream as MLK, but not bad for me.  Better than the next one, which involved a baby in cotton diapers taking a dump while I was holding him on my lap. 

Happy dreams!

Icy caution

January 11, 2012

When it comes to bicycles and winter, the opinions are as varied as the shapes of the snowballs thrown at your sister's head. Whatever your stance there are few who would disagree that a few extra precautions might behoove/bewheel the intrepid/idiotic bicyclist who refuses to be deterred by poor weather and treacherous conditions.

This afternoon I gradually became aware that a dusting of snow had covered the occasional slick spot caused by an earlier spell of sleet.

A coworker began to rib me:
So you got chains for those tires?
That wind's gonna blow that back tire right out from under you!

Firstly, my trusty steed (aka the Old Bastard) weighs approximately 31.5 lbs (14.3 kg) (panniers and rack thrown in for good measure). Since I weigh in at a stately 175 (79.5 kg) or so, that makes our mass roughly equal to 2.5 Alberto Contadors & Pinerelli (AC & P units). What this means, in practice, is that it ain't so easy to blow this man down.

So who's laughing now, eh?  (He still seemed amused, while I was pondering the extreme weight of the BS-mobile).

Secondly, winter bicycling allows the awakening of senses that other non-winter bicyclists may not be aware of. For example, the sense that that wind is making me feel dizzy. Or the sense that my back tire is spinning on the ice, so I'd better get my weight back over the wheel. Or the sense that I might wanna keep one foot unclipped while slowly turning this corner in case I have to get an ice-skate-like cleated shoe onto terra firma.
Thirdly, the icy tire tracks created by cars on the roads may become very slick quickly. Luckily, the multi-use paths and sidewalks are oftentimes not quite as bad. Check this out.

Many of us partake in some borderline neurotic/compulsive behaviors. Some must finish books that they start, even if they don't like them. Others have to count the number of words in each sentence they are about to speak/type before they speak/type (do slashed words count as one or two?). Hand washing. I, on the other hand, feel uneasy if I am unable to complete a loop-type bicycle route. Driving to the start of a bicycling activity isn't quite as satisfying. To this end, I prefer to begin bicycling from my home. On the other end, I generally feel compelled to bicycle home from my work/other event unless I am in no condition, or the conditions are in no way acceptable, for my return trip.

Caution of ice. Brains like slush (mmmmm, brain slushies). We may be out there compulsively bicycling/bisliding. So off into the windy streets we roll/slide. Look out! I mean that seriously, please look out!

Omaha Republican bicycle event

January 10, 2012

As you may have noticed, we here in the middlish midwest have been experiencing grotesquely warm, Mediterranean-like weather. There are hordes of dogs leading their humans hither and thither. Runners, walkers, oftentimes in short sleeves. One bold non-conformist, lover o' the green was even watering his lawn.  This type of warmth is as unexpected as finding a Verizon ringtone named "Ring a Ring" that is actually pretty cool and funky (try it, it's true!). Or as unexpected as turning on your television and finding a guy on a travelogue show telling me to visit Willow Creek if I want a nice little getaway from the crowds at Yosemite (I would someday like to visit Yosemite, but somehow I am instead riding my bicycle across Nebraska this summer). It makes it a little hard to settle in for a long winter's nap. Luckily I've got some "reading" material lying about. Notably, the first volume of "The Savage Sword of Conan" comic collection (in one handy graphic novel format! Wooooo-hoooo!).

As you may have noticed, it is politicking time in New Hampshire - other states will assuredly not be spared. This is an open invitation to any Republican candidate coming to Nebraska to go on a nice bicycle ride with me during your campaigning here. (As you probably surmised, the previous sentence is yet another wildly erratic attempt at humor [or humour for those of us who like it on the dry side] for the following reasons):

1. Nebraskans like all Republican candidates equally (and we don't have many electoral votes, so you don't really have to campaign here, you'll just have to be happy splitting the votes equally amongst your fellow candidates.
2. We Nebraskans are notoriously taciturn and media-shy, unlike our liberal, media-loving neighbors across the river in Iowa.
3. Republican candidates couldn't keep up with a moderately active person like me. Because if one of them could, I'd be sure to vote for him and try to get my friends friend to vote for him (I will not vote for Michelle Bachman no matter what) too (hint, hint, nudge, nudge).  That's right, the gauntlet is cast!
4. Republican candidates are also generally unable to distinguish funny (ha ha) from funny (wierd), so they might actually take me up on the offer for the "funny fote vote."

If you don't feel like bicycling, I was recently informed of some fun off-road running events that are scheduled to occur here in the Omaha area over the winter. Check these out! Sounds pretty great, doesn't it!? Why am I shouting?! I'm campaigning for the Wild Hare Party dammit! So find yourself a cause and let those exclamation marks fly!

Bikes 'n Crime

As the attentive among as may have noted, crime and bicycles go together like tomatoes and rice. This is exactly why I had my tank-like 1990 Bridgestone MB-5 registered at the local police department almost as soon as I got it home.

The officer who registered it seemed pretty baffled, but he dutifully entered my name and the bicycle license number into the rather slim ledger (hey, if they didn't want me registering my bike they shouldn't have given me that bicycle safety course back in elementary school!). I should probably write down the serial numbers, too. I'll put that on my too doo doo list.

Here is a recent event that illustrates the relationship between bicycles and crime.

Bicycle a tip-off in car theft attempts

Omaha police said it was a bicycle that gave away a man accused of trying to steal three cars Thursday.
About 2 a.m., Johnathon S. Sorensen, 23, was interrupted by the vehicle owner near 41st Avenue and Y Street, said Lt. Darci Tierney, police spokeswoman.
Sorensen hopped on a bicycle and sped away, Tierney said.
Police say he then stopped near 43rd and Monroe Streets, stole some items and tried to steal a vehicle from a garage.
Later, a police officer was searching a neighborhood nearby when he spotted a bicycle behind a car.
He found Sorensen inside the vehicle at 39th and X Streets, with burglary tools and a bag full of stolen items from the garage at 4234 Monroe St., Tierney said.
Sorensen was booked on suspicion of three counts of theft by unlawful taking, three counts of possession of burglary tools, burglary and possession of a controlled substance. — Sam Womack

Well it's a good thing he didn't mess with the Old Bastard, because I would've reported the theft to the LaVista police department. I know what you're thinking, but LVPD doesn't give a shit about "jurisdiction," they would've fielded their one bicycle officer, a Dirty Harry-like bike cop (yeah, he probably couldn't get around very quickly, but when he got there.... you might not feel so lucky, punk).

Unlike many competitive bicyclists, I believe that bicyclists should stick together, though, so here's my long-winded, but circuitous, rationale for this criminal's behavior. Yes, that previous sentence sported an abundance of commas, kind of a comma chameleon, eh? Okay, here's two sets of rationale, you pick the one you like better:

1. Bicycling is confusing. "Am I good, am I bad?" I often ponder as I ride through an intersection completely engrossed in my self-centered musings. Many motorists seem to believe the latter, whereas most of us bicyclists believe that the former is a nearly criminal understatement. So, what do confused people do? We work it out. Sometimes with thoughts, other times with actions. They may involve yelling and fuming. These actions may involve giving the finger to a motorist. They may involve trying to steal cars so that you don't have to ride your damn bike no more!

2. Not all of us are lucky enough to be born into bicycling aristocracy. Some of us are born into a hard knock life. Hey, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Take it? Accept it? Become one with it? Or say, fuck this!? I started out with no shoes. Gonna get some. No bike? Take one (just make sure it's unlicensed). No car? Hey, get a little creative, a little ambitious, maybe don't take a nap in the back of a car? You could have your own double-set of wheels!

Here is another news item. It also involves the LVPD.

Fatal motorcycle and car collision. LVPD stated that excessive speed may have been a factor in the motorcycle colliding with the van. Sobering.

Here's another item that I am wondering about. Does LVPD actually have any bicycle cops? Or even Cycle Cops? Let me see if I can find that out....
Okay, here's what I got. LVPD probably don't actually have any bicycle officers, however the Sarpy County Sherriff's Dept. not only has 'em, they flaunt 'em!

Sure, there's some serious paunch going on with these officers of the law, but paunch and bicycles go together like beer and blogging.

Crime and Punishment. Crime and Bicycles. Which side are you on?

I'm no hero....citizen!

January 4, 2012

In these confusing and competitive times, people are often confused, confusing and/or competitive. It is no wonder that bicyclists often view themselves, or are portrayed by the media/Pixies, as superheroes.

Like superheroes and illuminated reindeer silhouettes...

we crave attention. We try to get attention through various means. We blog. We wear bright/tight clothes. We yell. We ring bells. We fall off our bikes. Mostly, despite these efforts, we are merely ignored.

Also, like superheroes, we may be competitive. All of us familiar with superhero mythology know that the Avengers and the X-Men were always trying to outdo one another, and vying to be the do-goodiest do-gooders. Same with the Justice League and the Teen Titans. Or the League of Extraordinary Gentlement and the Pile of Bums.

This evening I was all gussied up in my superhero-like jersey and ready to fly home when I realized that I had left my jacket upstairs where all the working stiffs were still plunking away on their keyboards. I got back upstairs and a co-worker, apparently stunned by my shining attire said "Whoa!"

Speaking of jerseys, here is the cool jersey available from the Bicycle Ride Across Nebraska (BRAN).

Pretty cool, eh? As you may have heard, you may register for BRAN here, if you are so inclined.

Superheroes also have a variety of perspectives. Superman is positive. Batman is kind of a realist and/or cynical. The Hulk is angry. The Tick is confused. Similarly, bicyclists have different perspectives. Some enjoy having a clear, unobstructed view of the path in front of them. Others, like me, prefer a brim to shelter them from the elements or the potentially blinding lights of oncoming traffic. Here is what that perspective looks like.

I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and as I was locking up my trusty BS-mobile I heard a kid outside Qdoba ask his mom, "Can I bring my tablet?" I could tell by his tone, that this kid would be a rather chunky, computer-oriented kid. The next thing I heard was, "Who is that?" I looked up and confirmed that both the kid and mom were a bit hefty, and also that they were looking at me warily. Truly baffling to see a man in reflective jacket and funny shoes.

I tried to reassure them, but despite their size they ducked quickly into Qdoba and began shoveling food into their faces before I got the chance.

Well here's what I would have said, "Be at peace, friends. For I'm no hero, merely a citizen.... like you!" Then I would smile rakishly and stride out, back to my multi-use trails, sidewalks and residential streets. Back to my home.

Sliding into 2012

January 2, 2012

I hope that you have enjoyed some quality holiday experiences recently, because if you haven't than you might not want to read further because I am about to enumerate the recreational break with immodest amounts of gusto. Some serious holidaying was undertaken with a fair bit of success by yours truly. I made it out to a Colorado ski area where I struggled unabashedly with telemark ski bindings that were perhaps adjusted a bit too tightly, was nearly flattened by a careening snowboarder, drove a Chevy Metro at it's maximum speed of 65 mph for several hours, and then returned home in time to get out to Tranquility Park for some off road bicycling! Whew! I may not recover for several more days. Here are some photos from my skiing trip.

Here are some things I learned about ski trips-

1.  People that work in the ski industry are generally peppy and helpful.

2.  If you want to have a shorter wait for a lift, try to find one that is not too close to the kids ski school. If you are near the kids school, you may feel like you are constantly surrounded by Oompa-Loompas from the Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. More on this later.

3.  If you are like me and don't know much about snow sports, you may want to learn about skiing or snowboarding by watching other snow sportsters skiing/boarding while riding the lift nervously upwards. The bird's eye view provided a kind of "a-ha" moment for me in my fledgling telemarking development.

The kids ski school is a surreal place. Kids will occasionally overrun the lifts nearest the school, led by an instructor who will shepherd her rambunctious charges towards the chairs on the lifts. Kids will become flattened by chairs, fall off chairs, drop things from chairs, and dangle (delightedly terrified) from the sides of chairs in a kind of controlled chaos as the group ascends towards its topsy-turvy descent back down the hill. I have inside information that an upcoming (unsanctioned by the Estate of Roald Dahl) Willy Wonka movie, starring Justin Bieber as Willy Wonka's brother Izzy, will take place at a kind of ski resort/frozen dairy product factory called "Izzy's Iced Incidentals Industry." The famous Oompa-Loompas from the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory will be transported to a cooler climate. As global climate change continues, towards the end of the movie the stage will be set for a showdown between Izzy's 'Loompas and Santa's elves in a territorial battle for supremacy. In the sequel to this sequel watch for some vicious fights and jokes involving short guy complexes.  Also some great stop-action animation, claymation and CGI effects.

I finally made it back home. Have you ever not really wanted to go for a bike ride, but your friend really wants to go for one? Well, I didn't really want to go out in the 30-degree weather for an off road bicycle adventure, I wanted to sit around and stare vacantly at screens. But I reluctantly rode with my buddy and actually had a good, snotty time. The trails at Tranquility are mostly dry and fast these days, with occasionally tracked/rutted up areas and some slightly damp/frozen greasy areas. There is also a new large log crossing that I chickened out on. Next time, large log, next time.

Now that it is 2012, I have made a resolution to ride my bicycle across most of the great (or at least long) State of Nebraska. That's right, the 32nd annual Bicycle Ride Across Nebraksa (BRAN) is scheduled for June 3rd through June 9th. My enthusiastic uncle and overzealous father have coerced me into committing to this long-winded excursion across the plains. So come on out and enjoy the joy, or come up with a better New Year's resolution before someone wrangles you into jumping aboard their resolution wagon. I find the more sober I am when I make my resolution, the less intoxicated I have to be to actually complete/flee my commitment.

So it's now 2012, eh? Mayan predictions notwithstanding I think that this year will be the year in which we not only continue to exist, but are also ridiculously zany. Let's all enjoy the zany antics of the Republican contenders, as they wrassle around with one another like Oompa-Loompas trying to get on the ski lift. Get a little zany with your friend(s)/family. Zany modes of transport are sure to be hits. Here's something I witnessed during my ski trip that I had never beheld before, nor dreamed of in my stickiest wildest dreams.

That's right. If you wanna keep your knees locked closely together so that you don't end up in an involuntary splits or tangled up in a mess of skis, boots and swollen knees, you may be interested in purchasing one of these new-fangled-looking contraptions called monoskis. Here's what Lance Armstrong's Livestrong organization has to say about purchasing a monoski.

And here's what Livestrong has to say about bicycle commuting.

Happy New Year to everybody. I hope that your 2012 is at least as good as your 2011. Pedal or slide some cheer somewhere.