Wherefore art thou, Laughalot!?

August 27, 2012
Some people are competitive.  Some are good at bicycling.  Some are both.  And others fall into the "other" category.  Fall being the operative word.  Here is a fellow commuter who I nominate for one of the first two categories, as he blew past me on the multiuse trail this morning.

The sun was shining,

....on a misty morning...

the weather was sweet.  It made me want to move.  My biking feet.

Hi rode past me so quickly that I think it blew my pannier lid open!

...upon arrival at the factory...

Although I am not particularly competitive at bicycling.  I am competitive when it comes to bringing you bicycling-related information such as the following breaking news.   It appears that an American bicyclist, one Lancelot "Lance" Armstrongovich "Armstrong", is being accused of "doping" in order to win a multi-day bicycle race called the Tour de France (I am working on a music video called "Franciful Popsicle" to help misinform the public about this event).  

It is not unusual for bicyclers to be accused of being on drugs.   But this particular athlete has also been raising funds to assist people who are struggling with cancer.  My understanding is that he has been accused of obtaining blood transfusions of his own blood with high red blood cell count which can assist in getting oxygen to cells and thereby increase muscle efficiency.  Taking erythropoietin (EPO) before storing the blood you want to use for your upcoming transfusion can boost your RBC count.  Your blood apparently loses oxygen when you are engaged in a grueling multi-day bicycle race.  You know who else occasionally needs blood transfusions or some platelets to assist in blood-clotting?  That's right, those fighting cancer.  So head on down to your local Red Cross and you might be helping some cancer fighters.  And you won't even have to win a multi-day bicycling race!  Huzzah!

Lancelot may have cheated to win, but I'm pretty sure the Bad News Bears did some of that back in the '70s.  That is when Lancelot and I were growing up together in the quaint town of Round Rock, Texas. Lance had a big wheel and I had a green machine.  We would roll on down to the old Round Rock Theater every Monday during the summertime to partake in the afternoon matinee - lots of Ma and Pa Kettle, Gus - the Talking Mule, Apple Dumpling Gang and some Bad News Bears thrown into the rowdy mix.  Yee-haw!  So allow me to engage in the all-American activity of blaming others for our problems.  If LA cheated, maybe it was due to the Bad News Bears' influence.    Bad bears!  Bad!

Speaking of the Bad News Bears, where were they during the latest Little League College World Series?!  I hear Tennessee didn't hold up too well against Japan!  And I don't think there was even any comedy involved in the 12-2 loss!  First of all, why is one state trying to defeat a former empire?  Sure they are good sharpshooters, but Japan is a nation of 127 million.  Tennessee has around 6.5 mil.  And alot of them like to play basketball.  I don't think Japan is good at basketball.  But, all of these points notwithstanding, if Tennessee couldn't even turn a defeat into a good laugh then maybe we need to make a new Bad News Bears movie to salvage our national pride.  May I suggest the Cable Guy as the blundering coach?  As far as kids go, I like that girl in Beasts of the Southern Wild  and that kid in Littleman.  Those two can compete to gain the role of "General Classification" competitor in this United States-based Tour de Comedie event.  Because when it comes to being laughed at, we US-ians will not give up the title without a fight!  Or at least a laugh, dammit.

Speaking of competitions, the epic National Bike Challenge is winding down.  It is pretty competitive.  I am hoping to come in in the top 4,800.  Don't try to stop me, Gertrude Geizenheimersmith!  Look out!  And let's ride!

Lifestyle Improvement (non latex-variety)

August 23, 2012

Here are some photos from the memorable 2012 Corporate Cycling Challenge!  Weren't it a hoot!?  Yee-haw!

Here is a link to an update and request for contributions to the personable Sarah Johnson's new bicycle shop venture - Omaha Bicycle Company.

Here is a photo of my recently installed neutral position pull-up station created with a little help from my cyber-friend catmanducmu at Instructables.

The bar is so I know how far to pull up.  Not quite level yet, but working on it!

Functional and attractive.  Much like my new backpack from the excellent warranty department at Jansport.

I am making lifestyle improvements like a non-handy Bob Villa on crack making improvements in a foreclosed house!  Wha?!

Life is full of some sweet-ass perks if you are lucky and perceptive!  Or if you're like me!  Let's get on with it!

Corporate Cycling and Warranties! Yay!

August 19, 2012

Item:  Jansport has an awesome backpack warranty.  More on that later.

Today I enjoyed some lovely bicycling along with some 4,500 or so other bicyclists as we partook in the annual Corporate Cycling Challenge here in Omeeha.  I had the Old Bastard down to his fighting weight of only about 2 stone (that's 12,701 grams, if you were wondering).

Felt pretty good out there.  I met up with this guy who were recently purchased a Trek Soho that he likes a lot so far.  Trek's latest version of this bike has been deluxisized and now has a multitude of features and an MSRP of $1,369.99!

This guy has a Soho!  That guy has a hat under his helmet!

Riding was great.  From downtown's ConAgra park we headed north out to Fort Calhoun and back.  We rode through some industrial areas.  Along 16th Street for a while, through some neighborhoods.  It was a pretty nice route.  Different from the one I remember from my last Corporate Cycling Challenge (2008 or so?).  It was misty at first.

I ate a bagel.  Saw some old friends.  One guy broke his chain.  When his teammate was informed of this, instead of laughing derisively as I would have, he actually turned back to render assistance or camaraderie or something!?  Although initially confused, I have been informed that this was actually a feel good moment of stick-togetherness.  Yay!?

I finished strongly, only slightly behind this guy pulling his twin toddlers.

I have heard a lot of people like to ride these funky trikes.

Terra Trikes!  Ready to strike!

Some are called Cat trikes.  I’m not sure if this is a generic term for this kind of contraption or a specific brand.  I do know they go really f-ing fast downhill!  (Ed's note-further research indicates it's a brand name)

So, that’s the summary.  Back to the Jansport warranty.  I had a Jansport Rockies internal frame pack that I purchased in 1997.  It went through a lot.  Sent it back when the pack stays punctured the fabric at the bottom of the pack.  They said it wasn’t fixable, so they sent me a backpack of my choice!  Yay!  Here ‘tis.  A Carson 80 external frame pack.

Seems pretty great.  I’ll let you know how it feels in action someday.

So how has your weekend been?  Great!  Wanna go to Spokes for Jokes on Tuesday?  This week's show  (Pizza Shoppe) starts at 8 and features SkullProv and the Fit.  Alright.  I’ll see you (but not you) there!  Ha ha!  Ha!

Do yourself proud!

August 15, 2012

Do you like Heloise? How 'bout DIY in general? If you answered "Helli yeah!" to one or both of these questions, then there is a good chance you are already aware of this website - Instructables! They are great! And a way better value than Lunchables, where you pay for the convenience. In fact Instructables are pretty much the opposite of Lunchables because you don't pay for the inconvenience of building things yourself. Here is the result of my first foray into the Instructable forest.

Yes it is a rotating composter. Yes it is the envy of the neighborhood. You envy, me gloat.  

Although it is perhaps too early to tell, I get the feeling that Instructables may be as addictive as bicycling and web-based journaling. Look out!

This Instructable (for making gymnastic rings for use in performing ergonomically savvy pull-ups and/or chin-ups) took me back to Home Despot where I purchased some PVC pipe (based on my limited experience PVC seems to be the building blocks of Instructables).

Like most pannier pullers, I like to put lots of stuff in them, especially if it sticks out.

Makes me feel like I'm portaging stuff.

I'll be sure to let you know how my latest flight into the magical realm of Instructables goes. Whether you want me to or not!

Hey, my cousin told me about a running type event that is coming up. Some kind of warrior dash-like event at Vala's Punkin Patch. Great. Further research reveals a Mud Run on September 15th with a $65 registration fee!  Let's get a whacky costume and kick out the jams!

Yesterday, as you may have experienced, was nice and cool. I think it was due to this coolness, and perhaps due in part to the excitement attendant with this Sunday's Corporate Cycling Challenge, that there were many of us bicyclers bicycling around town. Here is one of them.

He was too busy rocking the bike to notice my comradely Hello. That's alright. Bike on, unresponsive man on bike, bike the f on!

Road raging party! Aaaaaaaa!

August 14, 2012

There is a lot of news coming out of my neighboring state of Iowa. Which is not surprising, considering it is a heavy politicking time. President Obama, an avid bicycler,

http://laist.com/2008/06/09/obama_rides_a_b.php

and Paul Ryan (although the P-man doesn't seem interested in bicycling, his ex-wife may be)

http://atmywitsend08.blogspot.com/2010/05/blah.html

have made some campaigning appearances. They are talking a lot about jobs, taxes, the economy, and midwestern values. What they are almost certainly not talking about (please let me know if I am wrong) is bicycle safety. Although this is not all that surprising, considering that bicycle safety month is actually in May, what is surprising are these two news items relating to alleged hate crimes directed at bicyclists in Iowa (one in Sioux City, the other in Davenport). I don't generally consider Iowa to be an angry state. Even the college football players from the Iowegian "Fields of Opportunity" don't seem particularly aggressive. There was also an accident involving a motorcycle hitting 3 bicyclers(!) near Rock Rapids, Iowa.

Road rage can happen anywhere there are roads, I guess. Motorized vehicles only serve to exacerbate the situation. I was previously of the (apparently naive) opinion that laws to protect bicyclists specifically were nice. Now I believe they are necessary. Here are some good examples of recent laws enacted (in D.C. and LA) for the protection of bicyclists. As I have enthused about previously, Nebraska has ennacted a 3-foot passing requirement for bicyclists in our humble land of thirsty corn.

One possible way to avoid being the target of road rage while bicycling may be to wear patriotic uniforms. David Zabriskie has been hit by vehicles at least 3 times. Then, starting in approximately 2011, he began wearing this uniform.



copyright Shane Stokes via Velonation

 As far as I know (please correct me if I am wrong, DZ) he has not been hit by a vehicle since. The results speak for themselves.

The onus of rectifying this anger towards bicyclists cannot be borne exclusively by our two-wheeling friends, however. Motorists who assault bicyclers represent an extreme form of bullying/assholism. Although many of us consider being an asshole to be one of our inalienable rights as Americans from the US of A, there are definitely more constructive ways of expressing our a-holish tendencies to the world. Ever thought of blogging, you fucking a-holes? Of course you have! A-holes and the internet go together like goose, duck and rabbits (Mmmmmm). Here is an example of a blog featuring expressions of disapproval towards the two-wheeling kind.  Other examples of anti-bicycling sentiments are likely to be occasionally found in your local newspaper's opinion section or in the comments section of bicycle-related articles.  Your online ranting is infinite preferable towards running down, kicking and punching, and/or shooting at bicyclists.

The line between venting and fanning the flames of hating is truly a fine one, however. So beware. Angry motorists might wanna consider some other form of self-medicating (maybe even therapy or prescription medication) besides alcohol. Yes, alcohol and anger go together like cornish game hens and cornish game hen and prosciutto. Once I saw a drunk guy steal someone's sunglasses and then punch a hole in a wall (no, it wasn't me! I'm offended!).

Well, I have so much more news to relate, but it will have to wait 'til I calm down a little. Schwew! I think I might have damaged my "Shift" key with all of my alcohol-fueled (homemade ginger beer) anger. Fucking bicyclists.

Run from sun! (It buurrrns!)

August 9, 2012

At times like these, it's easy to feel as if we are all one shirtless man, wearing headphones and a heart rate monitor and running from a drought into a soon-to-be rainy environment.

What does this mean? No that is not rhetorical, I am wond'ring aloud. Much like Mr. Anderson in this popular Ian Anderson video.

Life changes and we change with it and try to hold on to the best, the essentials.

That is why this man is wearing the latest gadgetry but still participating in the ancient human act of running. Did Neanderthal run? No. We stand! And club! And eat! Mmmmm. Good.

If you would like to enjoy some running, have a look at this event. Yes, an exciting opportunity for some muddy running is always a pleasure to contemplate. Mudfest takes place at 5:00 on September 2 (I think it's a Sunday), and is located a tad south of Lincoln, in a quaint little villa we call Roca. After event beverages provided by Spilker Ales of Cortland, Nebraska. Multiple distances! Let's check it out! Just don't bring your heart rate monitor, Mr. Clean.

Savage sports! Grrr!

August 6, 2012

As a self-proclaimed man of moderate action, it may come as no surprise to you that in addition to my bicycle commuting habit, I also occasionally engage in other outsidey activities such as the following:

1. brisk walking with an occasional spontaneous burst of unfettered slow jogging
2. poorly executed telemark skiing (midlife crisis-based)
3. climbing (boldly barely seconding rock and ice routes whenever I get the chance [i.e., hardly ever])

Outsidey activities are generally enjoyable in direct proportion to the amount of perceived risk involved. That is why risk management is a subject many outsidey folks (as well as investment advisors) are interested in. Activities that involve the risk of life and/or limb are usually pretty damn fun. Nowadays I generally frown emphatically at the thought of engaging in activities which I perceive as presenting more than a moderate risk. I think it's mostly perspective.

It is the third item of the list that I was focused on during a recent stop in the 39th and Vinton area.

Here there were many people gathered to engage in some grain elevator/silo climbing. Routes appeared significantly longer (and necessarily straighter) than those available at other climbing wall venues here in town (i.e., UNO HPER Building and Lifetime Fitness). I took a few photos and poked around for a bit (a water cooler and some cookies along with a donation box caught my eye), and then a friendly fella named Jason stopped by to give me the rundown.  They've got some harnasses and shoes available for use.  It's faster to get roped up if you've got your own.  You'll get a lesson from one of the Silo people in knots and belaying procedures before they'll allow you to rope up.  Silo Climbing hours for most Sundays are posted here, and is free. The Silo people (sounds kinda creepy, eh?) are accepting donations to assist in getting the silos transformed from unused grain storage structure to local climbing hotspot completed, pay various fees and taxes, and get the venue adequately staffed by Silo people for general use. So if you've got a yen for gaining some elevation, get on down to SILO!  Allez! avec accente et marce d'exclamacion upsidownet, sil vous plais!  There is nothing like rending and devouring the living flesh of our enemies forming bands and clamboring up large stone (or limestone-based) husks of former civilazation to get us in touch with the spirit of our ancestral forbears.

Vaguely pursuant to my last post, did you know the Poms Lobsterbacks Brits are good at another "sport" besides cricket? Weird, what? Eh?  Cheerio!  Blimey!  Poor buggers and all that!  It seems to be true based on the multiple medals the UK has recently obtained in the arena velodrome of "track cycling." Yes, it's apparently a real thing. After some research I became aware that track cycling is a sport that encompasses several events, all of which involve pedaling a bicycle using maximum effing effort over a given distance/timespan. A certain type of track cycling (pursuit bicycle racing) apparently involves pursuing and (if possible) overtaking the enemy opponent. After the pursuit is complete, the winner is often seen to vault from their bicycle onto their prey opponent and draw some blood. In our sterile, whitewashed sporting world, the drawing of blood is a purely symbolic act and the removal and consumption of the still-beating heart (as in the dark, savage days of the Flintstones and Rubbles) has been disallowed. Phe! Stone age pursuit velocipedes (soon to be featured in the upcoming and misbegotten sequel to Year One, entitled [you guessed it] Year Two Wheels) were savage machines  built with the bones of the enemies and stone or skin-stuffed-skull "wheels" lashed together with human tendons and mammoth femurs and propelled down rocky hills and/or gulleys in a precursor to both pursuit and downhill bicycle racing. Yes, those savages may not have had flatscreen televisions, but boy could they suck the marrow out of their enemy's meaty life! 

I think that is moderately risky to say that the most famous track cyclist ever is Graeme Obree.  He was also quite a bicycle designer/fabricator/free-thinker as illustrated in the moderately decent film- The Flying Scotsman.

Well all that typing about high-risk activities has got me a thirstin' for the blood of my enemies a nice chilled glass of ginger beer.

Mmmmm. Look, there's still some chunks of ginger floating around in there!

Savage! Grrrrr!

Speaking of primordial urges. Here is an animal that I just had to shoot...

... a photo of! Tee-hee. No I didn't jump off of my bicycle and onto the frightened creature's back, sinking my canines (oops.  canines removed when I got braces) incisors into it's spinal cord like Lord Greystoke did in one of Edgar Rice Borroughs' best unpublished works, Tarzan, Beyond the Velodrome. I am no primal pursuit bicyclist. Sigh. They should put in some deer-crossing signs around Zee Lake, sil vous plais. Those fast, sporty bicyclists and the tame deer could come into some close, savage contact! Deer me! Ouch.

Crunchy disinitigrating trails of Tranquility

August 4, 2012

As accurately reported here, the all-terrain bicycling trails at Tranquility Park have become very dry.  Here is a photo. 

An abundance of dessication cracks were evident.  Chunks of the trail have broken off.  Why Kokopelli, why?!  Didn't I dance the rain dance (albeit very poorly, according to that female judge with the obnoxious laugh)?  Didn't I save the decals of you riding an all-terrain bicycle?  What more can I do?  Put the decals on my car?  Oh.  Okay.  I'll get right on that.

I was able to get Rich

out for some riding today.  His usual off-road rig (a sleek Cannondale Jekyll) was having some issues, so he gamely jumped on his trusty Bianchi Cross Concept bicycle.  He informed me that the BCC is the star of an infomercial about some health supplements related to a mega-blender of some sort.  Stay tuned for nauseating more details. 

After returning from my outing, I kicked back in my basement where I was treated to some bicycle-related entertainment.  Norbit.  For those of you who have not enjoyed this comedic romp through a young man's shot at redemption from an unhappy marriage, Norbit is kind of like what Pee-wee Herman would be like if he had to get a job, got suckered into a loveless marriage and was black.  There are many other differences between these two characters as well, but they both have a proclivity towards bicycling, which is a bond stronger the compact styrofoam cushioning of a bicyclist's protective headgear.  Neither character deigns to don the helmet of strong protective styrofoam cushioning, blast it all! 

allmoviephoto.com

http://ridesabike.tumblr.com/post/8124545233/pee-wee-herman-rides-a-bike

You may cease your fretting, however!  Here is a comedy program featuring characters sporting many bicyclists' favorite choice in on-board headwear. 

Delightful!  And non-threatening!  They're Kiwis!  They are from a country that wins Olympic medals in sports like rowing (take that you evil twins that wanted to usurp our hero Mark Zuckerberg's rightful empire of superficial communications!) and men's pursuit cycling, but that just makes them extra adorable. 

Kind of like the bunnies that keep appearing in my backyard.  I know it's a romantic backyard, rabbits, but can't you wear some protection or something?  Can I bring the bunnies in to be spayed and/or neutered?  Probably both, just to be safe.  If you are a vet, please come on over and we'll get these cute little fellers fixed before it's too late!  Why, Kokopelli, why?! 

Hey NASA!? Let's bike!

August 3, 2012

Many of you may have noticed that it is hot out. Grass is brown.

People with lawns that are still green are watering their lawns obsessively. People are driving around with their kids in their cars, a/c on, smoking cigarettes with their windows rolled up. People are enjoying outdoor music events, such as last night's Jazz on the Green featuring the Lil' Slim Band's brand of rock and funk-edged blues. And this weekend is the Hullabaloo Festival.

As usual, there are a few area bicycling events coming up- the long-running (22nd annual) and generally enjoyable Corporate Cycling Challenge is on Sunday August 19th, and Great Plains Bicycle Club's Heatstroke 100 is occurring one week after that. Nothing like corporations and heat to get me excited about some bicycling. Ooooo, yeah! Let's get amped!

Speaking of amped, I had at least 40 ounces of Mello Yello at Hollywood Diner the other night. Whoa! Don't need to be that amped! That amount of caffeine should only be available by prescription! Or maybe it was the sugar.  Then I attempted to bottle my annual batch of ginger beer. The attempt was marginally successful. I spilled about 40 ounces in my awkward siphoning phase and managed to inflict a slight nick to my sizable pate.

The majority of it made it into suitable containers.

This beverage is maturing in my basement, and appears to be extremely carbonated already. We'll see if any of the bottles blow like an angry, abused tyre forced to endure the sadistic Heatstroke 100.

Here is another event to inflict bestow upon your children and/or self. Yes, as you almost certainly have surmised, it's a bicycle rodeo! Not to be confused with the enigmatic band- Bike Rodeo. I will now inflict bestow upon you an opportunity to view them in action.

Did they just sneak onto a stage before someone else's show and get this video done? Yes. Is this unusual? Probably not. Is there an audience? No, those guys are friends and/or related to them.  But once the video gets some hits.... oh, then fame is a definite marginal possibility.

Kind of like the possibility that the Curiosity will contact some form of life on Mars. I can tell you now that nothing is alive on that planet (I learned it from Uranus- I can't explain it now, but it's true!). However, I am available to get out there and supply some life. As long as I can take my mountain bike. I will be able to lay out and design some sweet-ass trails. As an avid amateur fossil-hound, I will keep my eyes out for any discernable signs of former and/or current life. You better believe that I will be able to displace some earth in a far more random pattern than Curiosity. My code name could be Agent Reeking "Wreaking Havoc."  Wait.  Is that already taken?  Howzabout Astrosnot OMA?  Since my bike skills are as marginal as Bike Rodeo's talent music, these trails will be sure to be enjoyed by  generations of mountain biking beginners among the hordes of onrushing Martian pioneers. Of course, as all you Marsophiles are undoubdetly aware, the gravitational forces of Mars are much less than Earth's (100 Earth pounds = 38 Martian pounds), so that will take some getting used to. My mass of 80 75 kgs or so, will translate into only about 63pounds of weight on my new home.  Did I mix my units there?  I'll weigh about as much as 0.55 ACUs (Alberto Contador Units).  I may need a medical (and mathematical) robot sidekick. This is shaping up to be a pretty sweet adventure. Whaddaya say NASA? (Please disregard my earlier poor mathematical abilities, they will almost certainly improve marginally with altitude).

Mars! Here I come! I just hope I can brew my summer ginger beer up there (with summer temperatures nearing -17.2 degrees C [-1 degree F-ing heit] I'm sure I'll need a refreshing beverage after a hard day "in the field")!