Thanks for the home altering life

November 20, 2012

Hello again.  As it is slightly possible that you noticed, I've not been harassing you with my usual pompastic bombasity lately.  Well, here's why.

Ooops.  I mean here's why.

That's right, I've been engaged in the unhealthy hobby of home alteration.  That is not a mere light, but is actually also a bathroom ventilation fan.  Pretty f-ing awesome, eh, fledglings?  No?  Well, what do you got?  Go ahead, impress me.  It ain't that hard.  If I can impress myself, than anyone can!  Nick impressed me with his funky dance moves during the enjoyable annual Taco Ride before Thanksgiving outing that we participated in a mere 8 days or so ago.

It was an enjoyable time, and I expressed my admiration for one Gwendolyn Stefani several times once.  That is because I have been listening to my No Doubt Return of Saturn CD a lot lately.  As evidenced by this photo, Gwendolyn and her husband Bill or something are avid bicyclers.

(photo deleted at Gwen's Bill's request.  He doesn't want to be typecast as an IF cyclocross bicycler, and who can blame him!)

Famous people and bicycles go together like home-alteration and electrocution, which I have successfully avoided thus far, thanks to the great Pilgrim Pumpkin God.

sugaredblog.blogspot.com

As the seasons change, so are the cycles of our lives.  Sometimes like a road bicycle, other times like a mountain bicycle, etc.  You may be relieved to hear that I will likely be berating you with my safety-centric ranting less frequently forthwith.  That is because I will be engaged in changing diapers for a baby dinosaur with a large head (and little arms) that is due to aRRRive any era now.  So get ready for another member of the baby parents' club you elitist, sleep-deprived, parenting animals.  Baby Snot is likely going to take some time to mold/neglect into his full human potential ASAP so he can help support me in my planned early retirement from the freelance livestock feed QA/QC work that helps feed my family and I.

On another note, I have been informed of this cool-looking event is slated to take place at Swanson Park on Sunday, December 16.  It is a biathlon that involves neither cross-country skiing nor sharp-shooting, but rather cross-country bicycling and trotting/running.  Festivities begin at 1.  Looks like a good opportunity for some social interaction and fresh air.  You get out there and enjoy.  I'll be here in the basement, engaged in re-evaluating priorities and saving money.

Have you noticed there seem to be lots of people out bicycling these days?  No?  Well there are dammit, and you'd best keep an eye on them!  Especially if, like me, they ride slowly and erratically.  Nearly as hazardous as home-alteration projects.  From bicycle to attic, the risk-enjoyment/management opportunities are nearly limitless.  So grab that life-altering Dremel and let's ride!

Feral Munchkin Fun!

November 18, 2012

It was so nice out today that I made the tough decision to go out for a bicycle ride instead of starting in on bathroom ventilation system installation.  I started my spin out towards Tranquility Park.  Almost immediately I encountered a large critter.  A raccoon.

Ugh.  I think I'm gonna puke.

Based on his slow, unsteady gait, I judged him/her to be either bold, rabid, or drunk.  I rang my bell to no avail.  He stayed put.  Then he slurred at me, "Why don't you get off your high horse."  I did.  Took a photo.  "You call that a shot?" he mocked.  I gave him a wide berth as I continued along on my circuit.  

I finally arrived at the park where I noticed a cheery kite struggling with the moderate breeze.

Upon arriving at the trail, I immediately encountered more mountain bicyclers than I have seen out there all year!

And no wonder.  Great temps.  Fine trail conditions.  And several hundred yards of new trails and recent upgrades.  What a hoot!

Lots of cool stuff.  Also many feral munchkins, some with whacky, barbaric headwear.  They may have been planning a Lord of the Flies-esque coup, as many mini-bicycles were littered here and there.  I did not stop for many photos due to the relatively high volume of bicycle traffic, not because I was skeered of the munchkins.  Honest.  The munchkins were thronging around a new section of the trail with a steep approach and a fairly short, but steep exit.  I didn't make the exit, but there's a handy tree off to the left side of the trail which provided a handy rest stop.   I will now think of that ravine as Feral Munchkins' Revenge.  Pretty catchy, eh?  Femur for short.  Get it?  Short!  Like a munchkin!

But the excitement didn't stop after I walked my bicycle around a mini-bike lying in the middle of the path just after the exit.  A large animal leapt across my path at fairly close range.  A big buck!  Eight points er so, I reckon.  As big as a medium-sized pony!

Atop a hill following my Big Buck sighting, I noticed a clearing which probably served as the Feral Munchkins party zone.  I glanced over both my shoulders, then snapped a quick shot before pedaling rapidly away, completely unafraid.

As I rocketed back homewards, I looked around for the Rabid Coon, but he was nowhere in sight.  My heart rate gradually returned to normal.  I made it back to my humble homestead where, so far, I have not been bullied by any small critters or big bucks.

I hear it's supposed to be pretty good temperatures for the next several days, so you might wanna get out there and enjoy!

The traditional Thanksgiving-eve Taco Ride is rapidly approaching.  Hope to see you there!  Watch out for the wee critters!  Ornery little cusses!

Trail Explorers Ho!

November 14, 2012

Hey peoples and/or computers, like me, what is going on?  Yes, I feel I may as well admit that I am just a computer stringing together random words and phrases and juxtoposing various adjectives and activities to fruitfully multiply the meaningless ramblings of the world-wide web.  Hey, do you know who else is nationwide worldwide?  That's right, Lil' Brian and the Travelers.  Check out this sweet vid buoyos and grillos and binary communicating devices.

What a delightful day 'twas, eh?  I was enamored with the evening sky.

Now we must build a bicycle/pedestrian bridge that enables a lovely ride off into the sun-setting sky.  Yeee-haaawww!  Make it so, peoples.

Don't you love getting unsolicited mail asking for you to invest your hardly-earned dollars?  Wha?!  I thought it was just me!  We really should get together for some cupcakes ASAFP!  We have so much in common! Speaking of outlandish construction ideas, I received a notice in the mail that proposes a pedestrian/multi-use trail that spans the imposing girth of Mexico's hot-air balloon, the US of A.  This project is called the American Discovery Trail.  It looks pretty f-ing cool too homo saps.   You can become an Explorer with the ADT for a mere $30!?  I'll be right back.  Woo-hooo!  Explore this, bitty babies!  That's right, you can call me Snot Explorer from now on!  Or Explorer Snot.  Or Explosive Snot.  Whatev.  I intend to build a portion of the trail and install a bench dedicated to me!  Oh, yeah!  Fame, ye shall elude me no longer!

On a more serious note, have you tried E flat?  Wha?!  Where did this programmer come from?  The rejected scary clown bin at Walmart?  Zoiks.

I love the idea of long trails.  They are also perfect for pipelines.  And corporate sponsorship.  Maybe a few billboards.  Let's make this happen!  I am currently reading a book called The Hard Road West, which is about the '49ers heading out to California to find gold.  I am pretty sure that the ADT will not be near the Gold Rush trail, but maybe it should be.  It's already branching off into 2 options between Ohio and Colorado.  May as well make a Gold Rush option.  Hey, if you're gonna get grandiose, why not get a little grandioser?

Back to the lovely evening ride, it was while I was embarked upon it that I encountered three fellow bicyclists while meandering through a residentially zoned sub-urban development.  Since my typical form of communication while bicycling is ringing my bell I rang my bell at the first one that came into sight.  (I decided to stick with the bell-communicating method since I am often quite winded out there spasmodically pedaling hither and yon, and therefore unable to speak intelligibly.  It may be affecting my ability to form coherent sentences while typing, too.)  "Halooo!  Don't cross!"  he responded puckishly to my ring.  Then his buddy said, "I like your bike."  And, this being the first time I had ever heard such a sentiment expressed, instead of chastising him for poor taste in bicycles I simply thanked him.  Ahh, the camaraderie of the two-wheeling movers and shakers!

What else is coming up?  Well, I have heard there is an Ugly Sweater Run scheduled for December 16 at the Century-Linky-poo Centery.  So get your jug of egg nog fermenting now so it'll be ready to partake in the upcoming festivities.

It's getting holidayey out there, isn't it?  I am feeling it.  By Chanukah I will be sporting a mehnorah-like lighting system on the Old Bastard and carrying a hand-held bell and kettle in a fiendishly clever mobile-money-making scheme.  Ho, ho, ha, ha!  Let the fun get down the chimney!

False accusations aerodynamically flying!

November 9, 2012

Hey guess what.  I found that garage door opener I thought was stolen yesterday!  Color me embarrassed!  Luckily I think it's one of my complimentary colors.  I found it in my other pannier.  If anyone needs to use my garage door opener, I keep it in the drive-side pannier, top pocket.  Except for last Wednesday.  I guess the only thief haunting the library environs is The Book Thief, which I hear is about to be turned into a play.  Or maybe a musical.  Luckily this episode has not been a complete waste of time and resources.  While I was resetting my garage door opener on top of my car I made a large indentation on the roof of my car, which I hope will increase the aerodynamicity of the Metro.  Like a golf ball.  I got this idea from Myth Busters.  I love that show!

I wonder if those ridges make him more waterodynamic...

My humble apologies to anyone I may have disturbed with my wild speculation and accusations.  It's kinda my MO, though.  It's kind of like how I blamed this alligator for swallowing my cell phone (a la Cap'n Hook)

when later on I found it at the bottom of my boot and now it looks like this!

I thought it was just a large, flat piece of gravel!  I was really looking forward to skipping it on some water.  

I hope you have a great weekend!  I'm going to do some winterizing.  Maybe lose something.  Yee-HAAWWW!

Hey Loser! You ganked my pannier!

November 7, 2012

As you may (but probably  do not) know, I am a huge fan of the library.  I used to spend a lot of time there as a kid. I even went to a Halloween party there once, and some other kid made fun of my towel that was serving as the cape for my Robin costume.  Although I wasn't happy about that event, I went back and I am pretty sure that the library has given me more than it has taken from me.  It's definitely given me more than my miserly Uncle Ned!  Here that Neddy!  Ya damn penny pinching tightwad!  And I am now once again more than happy to use towels for capes when costuming is necessary.

I went to the library to scan some documents today.  I was pretty happy about the free scanning treatment.
Then I got home and realized that someone had ganked my garage door opener from my pannier!  Obviously I was not so happy about that!

Well, I guess that kinda stuff happens sometimes.  Maybe I'll go the extra dorky mile from now on and carry my panniers in with me whenever I park the Old Bastard.

Why would someone take my garage door opener?  Supposedly to drive around and open my garage door while no one is here and try to take my stuff?  Well there are several problems with this concept, A:  I never leave my house because I have recently been promoted to head distiller of my own moonshine-batching entrepreneurship, B: you probably don't realize that I live at 9583 Parkington Heights View Villa in Whispering Blossoms subdivision, and B12:  it's absurdly easy to reset your garage door opening receiver so that it will not respond to the lost opener, but only to one of the many other garage door openers I have been stockpiling over the years.  So there're 3 booyahs to you thievy boy!   Who's laughing now?  Oh, and you also missed that gallon of moonshine I had in the other pannier!  Because I'm sure that everyone who tries it will love it and that you didn't just try it and put it back!  Right?!  Hahahahaha!

It is starting to get a little cooler these days.  Although it isn't really winter, I am pretty sure that it will get here eventually.  Why, there is even a winter bicycle commuting challenge here in the homey metropolitan area of Homaha.  There is also an upcoming winter bicycling workshop this upcoming Sunday from either 5-6:30 or 6-8 p.m, depending on which source you believe.  Pretty neat-o, eh double wheelers?

This cooler weather has not deterred many cyclists from being out and about, however.  Yes, it seems that bicycling is becoming slightly more popular here in the Whispering Blossoms area and I, for one, am quite pleased with this development.  Soon we will be building bike-oriented coffee houses and bars and amiably mocking one another's blogs in a kind of competitive camaraderie, much like these happy-go-lucky, free-wheeling political types who have been showboating around the country on their custom-built bicycles to help stimulate the economy.

Mitt Romney before aging drastically during his bid for some office or other.  His sidekick Paul Ryan seems as unaffected as he was unhelpful.  From Alaska Velo.

Thanks for participating.  Hey, if you lost your run for office, it might be time to get a bicycle!  'Cause even losers can ride bikes!  Hey, wait!  As my dear old Da would say, "I resemble that comment!"

B&B for you and me!

November 4, 2012

The Beer and Bagel Run was here for a few hours, and is now over until next year.  This year was the 20th B&B Run.  It's an extremely enjoyable event, and a lot less stressful than the big family get-togethers that are beginning to loom on the temporal horizon these days.  This year's event reportedly featured around 2,700 runners.  Three stream-crossings.

A few costumes.

And some serious fun.

I think there were more participants this year than last year.

I launched myself at the course like a lazy water buffalo.  I noticed that the landscape had taken on a somewhat somber, getyerassreadyforwinter-esque, late autumnal appearance.

There was a gradual incline towards the end of the course

 that was somewhat discouraging.  Most of us pulled through, though.  Somewhat painfully, or vomitfully in some cases, but through nonetheless.  I was pleased to finish only slightly behind the man with the fried cheese(?) costume shown previously.  Then it was time for some eating, drinking, socializing and the like.

Mr. Kirby

sarcastically referred to my half-stagger/half-run as "gazelle-like."  He also advised me on child-rearing strategies and fashion.  Always good to have a friend/mentor in matters such as these.

I drank a few beers from Nebraska Brewing Company, which generously provided beverages.  Hy-Vee provided several large boxes of bagels, of which I partook freely.

I met a guy who won a pint glass at a Schell beer-sponsored run up in Minnesota.  It sounded like a good time.  Mr. Mike Ewoldt suggested I wear a cow bell with my kilt next year.  Hmm.  I will take that into consideration, but it sounds dangerous. Maybe a tassle instead?

The run was well-organized as usual.  As usual I have a gripe, however.  This speaker was blaring 311 at me as I was nearing the end of the run.

As an aging grouch, I was not amused by the loud sounds of a band that I believe to be much more popular with a younger demographic and that I don't really like much.  Ever hear of a band called the Doobie Brothers?  Howzabout Abba?  Maybe some Roger Miller?  Now there are some sounds that we can all agree upon!  Right, you young whippersnappers!?

It was not easy to leave this haven of beer and camaraderie.  Until everyone I knew left.  Then it was pretty easy to leave.

As you are sure not to recall, I had grandiose plans of renting an alligator and perhaps donning a Swamp Thing costume for this event.  Non gratis.  Unfortunately I have been training for the B&B by glutting myself on Halloween candy, much of which was consumed by my rental alligator.  I was too busy eating to prepare a rabbit-skin coat for the gator or to get a Swamp Thing costume together.  Lazy sigh....

Oh sweet B&B.  I have once again enjoyed our time together.  I'm sorry it's over, but I hope to see you again sometime.  Maybe next year?