Baller New Year 2 U!

December 30, 2016

As the impending year looms before us like a vanfull of possibilities, let us all count our blessings and reflect on/try to forget this year’s events.

Here are some of my memorable experiences as of late:

1. 1.     A couple weeks back we had some snow for about 2 hours!

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3. 2.     People celebrated Christmas or Chanukkah or other.  Here is some evidence.  

1. The Southern Comfort; however, seemed a bit unnecessary because the weather has been very mild here lately.

1. 3.     Today the Husker footballers proved that they could still entertain me.  They entertained me by keeping most people off the streets whilst I went out for some bicycling in this mild winter weather.

ALERT:  Testicle talk hanging below!

Speaking of ballers, I got some new boxer briefs for Christmas.  One pair was great.  The other pair attempted to roast my nuts.  If you are like me, (and AC/DC) you love to communicate to others about your balls.  

Society, however, being what it is, prefers that we do so only in certain circumscribed areas such as during sex, while making sex videos, or at your urologist’s.  If you are a woman, you may also want to tell others a lot about your clitoris and/or labia.  You are free to do so at your leisure and/or convenience, preferably whilst breastfeeding in public.  That is fine with me and (I am sure) also fine with everyone else.  And if not, fuck ‘em.  Now that we have gotten those parts out in the open, let’s take a look (not literally, I blushed prudishly) at some important things about balls.  

1.     Balls should stay cool.  My balls were recently very uncool due to their newfound enclosure – a pair of boxer briefs made by a company called Pair of Thieves.  Here is what they were made of.  

Those fit well, but seem much warmer than cotton or some of the other synthetic blends I've experienced (e.g., polyester and lycra).  If you want to keep your ballerinos warm whilst wearing shorts and excelling at the luge, these would be great.  While performing sedentary clerical work; however, they were alarmingly toasty. 

2.     Balls should not bounce on your saddle.  To that end, I recently found some Wickers briefs that give the boys the support I felt they needed whilst I engage in my carefree bicycling habits.  Unfortunately, Wickers, like many made in the U.S. companies, have recently closed.  I don't think those Chinese synthetic blends are quite as breathable.  Or maybe I'm just being a nationalistic asshole and my new boxer briefs will be cooly-comfy after a washing...  I'll get back to you on this, whether you want me to or not! 

3.     A penis may retreat, like a turtle towards its heart, towards the balls when affected by cold.  Do not be alarmed.  Also do not attempt to urinate until the penis has re-emerged, like a blossoming daffodil bloom reaching for the sun.

Alright, number 3 might have been a bit of a stretch upwards and away from the balls, but the penis is also quite high on my list of things I like to, but feel constrained, about sharing.  I guess ball talk should typically come in sets of 2.

My balls feel much cooler after sharing.

What else is happening?  Let’s have a look-see…  

Here is a cartoon advertising a kid's bike that is not at all kid-oriented.  That is because kids want to buy a bike with graphics that are fun.  That is why Snot Jr. recently chose a bike with a cartoon car on it.  Great.

I guess that's all I've got for now.  Keep 'em cool and bike onwards towards a glorious 2017!

Cool regards,

BS

Jolly masking days!

December 6, 2016

Hello Decemberists.  I trust your will is good.  As is mine, good lady, as is mine.  Not only that, but I’ve recently made some letters on the back of my jacket to celebrate the Yule.  Harken ye!

Yep.  Looks like a junior high art project.  Would you believe I drew and cut out those letters all by myself!?  Huzzah to me! 

Here is the crowning touch! 

I am pretty sure everyone now loves me almost as much as I love me! 

Also here are some cold weather tips you may ignore/scoff at as you see fit.

1.     1.  Keep your face warm. 

I guess that’s just one tip.  I tend to do it by looking down at my front tyre so that my fuzzy noggin blocks the breeze for a bit.  Just don’t crash into something whilst tyre-gazing!  Please!  If you do, that is funny that you did that, but sad too.  Although I enjoy my tyre-gazing in brief spurts, it is also a bit vertigo-inducing, which is fun too.  Also, depending on wind direction, a mask (such as a balaclava) might be just right for you and your pet(s).  

The bad part is your safety glasses/spectacles might fog up.  But, I have found that if the wind is blowing in your mask-ensconced face and you are breathing out through your mouth in a strategically downwards direction – wallah!  No fogginess!  The only possible alternative I’ve tried was ski goggles, but those had some tint and were too dark, like watching too many episodes of BreakingBad or Boardwalk Empire (2 new television programs that just finished their last season a few years or so ago that I have nearly completed viewing) in a row.

What is the latest news with you?  I hear that sister!  If only they understood us and our ilk! 

Well, as for me, I was ill for a non-consecutive fortnight.  I hope your health hath been better.  The second week I may have stricken myself ill by guzzling part of a Camelbak’s worth of water whilst enjoying the invigorating trails at Tranquility Park here in our town of Oh-me-ho-ho-ho!  It was great!  There are now jumps everywhere, which I have now begun to enjoy a bit (just the small to medium to moderate ones, thank you kindly THOR crew).  Then I was sick for a while and refrained from exercising ye Olde Bastard.  Whilst lying abed with my leeches, I happened to examine my tube, Camelbak tube that is.  Its innards appeared a bit fuzzy and/or the lighting was bad.  Although too sickly to snap a worthy photographic representation, I did manage to  brush the tube out with a trumpet cleaning brush, pour some bleach in there and get it all cleansed.  Now I am planning on placing both of my bladders into the freezer at my earliest convenience to curtail the vigorous moldiness of my younger days. 

As you may know, there is a bicycle sale at your local bicycle purveyor.  Here is an example -

There is also the annual Bike De Lights on December 17 here in town.  I have not yet attended one of these curiosities, but I intend to forthwith.  

Well, I hope you are taking good care of yourself and your bicycle(s) unlike this sad, but remorseful, sack.  Grab a sack and get merry, y’all!  Whooo-ho-ho!

Pumpkins to Turkeys and back again!

November 17, 2016

Hello and welcome back.

Where have you been?  Get out!  Me too!!  It was great and awful! 

Here in the Om of aha(!) it is dark by 5:30 all of a sudden!?  Not sure what the deal is with that, but I have been using the trusty Nite Rider mini leg-of-newt 750 to stir up the pot a bit!   Cackle cackle my pretties!!

Ectually, I am gradually beginning to realize that Helloween is over now and I may as well get ready to gobble up some gobbler next week.  Historically I have gone out for some pedaling on Thanksgiving Eve with Greg and the irrepressible Team Amnesia.  Last time we did that, however, we were chastised for not going out with them any other time of year.  So that, coupled with the fact that I don’t usually go outside my comfort zone/home, makes it a bit unlikely I’ll continue the tradition unless one of my comrades in wheels gets me off my ass / motivates me.

There is also Cranksgiving on Saturday the 19^th.  I’d like to go, but if I do it’ll have to be with Snot Jr. in our trusty bike trailer, which he would probably like, but I am not sure I want to load up the trailer in the back of the car to get all the way downtown and I’m not riding with Snot Jr. all the way across town (although in a perfect world I certainly would).    

So now that the dark days are upon us here are the two three main lights I am using these days. 

1. Niterider Mini-Newt 750
2. Bontrager Flash Flare R
3. Planet Bike Beamer 3

They are great!  And I used the PBB3 to power one of our jack-o-lanterns for several all-night frights.  It lasted the whole time and still had some juice left.  That may have been due to these sweet batteries.

And after Thanksgiving we can all meet up and check out this fun band (Gogol Bordello that is)!

Speaking of music, I’ve been thinking a lot about good ol’ Al Jourgensen and his variousfun bands.  I think it’s due to the impending change in the dominant party in our country’s executive and legislative branches.  AJ and his buds were always at their best providing a soundtrack to the GOP 's regime’s reigns.  Here’s a look back at one of their early classics that I’ve only recently come into contact with.

Al is also apparently fond of bicycling, although I haven’t been able to find any photographic proof of his statement back in 2012 saying that he was riding 20 miles a day.

I don’t know about you, but I feel that the streets get busier and more frightening from Thanksgiving to MLK Jr’s birthday.  Due to this notion, I am hoping to get drivers on my side by sporting a reflective “Claus Jr.” on the back of my red jacket and maybe a Santa’s hat to zip-tie to my helmet.  I’ll let you know how that turns out.

Here we go!  Happy turkey gobbling!

Tranquilly dreaming the dirty dream

October 1, 2016

Hello, and welcome to October.  It started a few hours ago.  It feels nice, eh?  I have decided that I shall purchase a new rear taillight.  My decision was made easier by the fact that I had some sweet commuter checks to spend.  I went to the only local bike shop that accepts the commuter checks.  They had this light that I like quite a bit so far (oops, didn't read this review first, looks like it may not flare so well in wet, wintery conditions, but maybe my fenders will protect them...).  I also have to finish complaining about my Serfas triangle light – although it's a great light for its short battery life, my new, expensive batteries didn’t last any longer than the first, pre-purchase-installed batteries.  I have heard that I should buy my next batteries in bulk, on-line.  I may do so, but I will be looking for a better, rechargeable helmet taillight soon, commuter checks in hand!

Many bicyclers seem to be out and about, enjoying the nice, non-sweaty bicycling temperatures.  The camaraderie is intoxicating.  Speaking of intoxicating camaraderie, the B is for Bikes musical/performance event is coming up next weekend.  Although I was considering my usual participation, I did not beat the bell to class, as is my won't (i.e., they got all the 111 participants they needed before I submitted my resume avec accentes, SCREEEECHHHH!!).

 

October 11, 2016

Like birds migrating, so, too, are the days of our lives.  B is for Bikes is over, and they are allegedly putting together a grand video representation of this event.  Hear ye, hear ye!  The bold Nebraska has triumphed in this year’s National Bike Challenge.  Congratulations!  If you are like me, you are likely wanking with joy just recalling the gradually fading pleasure of our collective accomplishment.  Suck it Wisconsin!  Also, Lincoln has made it on to the storied Bicycling magazine's list of the 50 greatest bicycling cities in the US of A.  #44, high-caliber bicycling, folks!

Well, it is now one of my favorite times of year to bicycle because I don’t really have to sweat much.  I intend to get some quality mountainous bicycle-style riding in soon.  I feel this will allow me to keep what is left of my “edge”/wedge.  This is an important, if perhaps illusory, mental construct for me.  It is easy to be lulled into a sense of routine and complacency whilst pleasantly gallivanting back and forth to one’s place of work at the adhesive ratings institute; however, constant vigilance is our great goal and responsibility if we are to bicycle safely and happily hither and yon.  

https://www.quora.com/What-does-constant-vigilance-mean

To this end, I like to get out and test my reflexes by nervously jerking the handybar this-a-way and that-a-way and hitting/crashing off some sweet jumps.  Hopefully I’ll be able to make it out to Omaha’s crown jewel of mountain/dirt-bicycling (fanfare exclaiming) – Tranquility Park!

So here’s to tranquilly dreaming!  Let’s hit the dirt!  Paydirt, that is!  Suck it Wisconsin!