Run, slide, repeat

February 18, 2012

What makes getting up early on a Saturday fun? Well, it depends on who you are. But I had fun getting up early today so that I could participate in the inaugural Empyrean 5K run out at Camp Carol Joy Holling, near Ashland, Nebraska. I wandered around a bit and took some photos before the run.

Nice booties!

The run started when this snowperson was ceremoniously shoved off the balcony of the old-timey dining area.

The run was the hardest 5K that I have ever been on. That is probably because most of the 5Ks I've been on have been flat and paved. This was neither. Here are some of my highlights:

1. Running through the snow past very slow runners just after the start of the run
2. Falling down on a slightly slippery downhill section
3. Having lunch with my dear aunt
4. Drinking some beer

Falling down is something that I have a fair bit of experience with, so it didn't really slow me down much. There were a few stream crossings (with plank or log options, if you prefer not to get too soggy).

A runner that was in front of me became seemed a little demoralized as we encountered a slightly uphill slog through a muddy cornfield. The weather was very nice. It was pretty muddy. I thought I might have a heart attack, since I am no Jim Fixx and he still had a heart attack. I think the food was provided by Lazlo's Restaurant and Brewery. Beer cheese soup, salad and pulled pork sandwiches. Ah. Good times.

Camp CJH is a Lutheran Camp. As such, the event was officially Christ-sanctioned, which made me feel quite safe and maybe a tad less angry than usual while running, which was a nice feeling. Empyrean Brewing Company brewed a Luther Lager specifically for the event.

It was quite quaffable. Glad to see a little zip in protestant get-togethers these days.

Camp CJH is also home to a good-looking high ropes course.

A guy named Jason ran the course in about 30 minutes in paleo-slippers! I was impressed with this feat and told him so.

Since my friends are is not really running-oriented, I generally do the Han Solo minus Chewie mission to these types of events. This time, though, I met up with a co-worker at the sausage-making factory where I am currently break-evenly employed. He also likes to run occasionally and is moderately active like me! This is probably good, but it might cause me to get out to more of these events, which I'm already slightly addicted to. Hopefully I will be able to cope.

Might be time for an afternoon nap!  Happy weekend!

Your prostate and Uranus

February 17, 2012

Would you like to play doctor with me? Not in the naked way, but in the amateur medical knowledge-obtaining way? It's kind of like playing detective and doctor at the same time. Like a Dr. Watson/Mr. Holmes personae. Like you, I am interested in Uranus. Have you had a prostate exam lately? Although aliens have been interested in probing for years, we homo sapiens are also hoping to get a probe into the atmosphere of Uranus soon. What!?

Speaking of playing doctor, my ex-doctor recommended that I get a prostate exam based on my prostate-specific antigen (PSA) count. But what that doctor did not have, was all the relevant information. The doctor did not realize that I had recently ejaculated while my mind was on Uranus. I had also been drinking oyster-ginger smoothies, and bicycling, which may also raise one's PSA count.  Sexual activity can artificially raise one's PSA count. I found this out with a quick internet search, and based on this information I declined to participate in my ex-doctor's recommendation that I get my prostate checked by a specialist. I was searching for proctologists online, but I was unable to find some pertinent information -hand size. That was when I started looking into prostates - not literally, but rather searching for more information. I even learned that women have prostates, too!  Knowledge helped me avoid the probing digits of the proctologist, for now...

Which brings me to the possibility of launching a probe towards Uranus. It occasionally behooves one to launch one's mind/imagination to distant realms, times far from today. This is accomplished in a variety of ways: RAAMing, focused dreaming, near-death experiences, etc. Or you could build a billion dollar vessel as a vehicle for the Uranus Pathfinder project.  This project was suggested by British scientists and it's launch is proposed for 2021, so no need to pack Uranus supplies just yet.  Come with me as we approach Uranus. It will only take 15 years to arrive at Uranus in our nuclear-powered vessel.  Unsurprisingly, there is an abundance of methane on this somewhat gaseous ice giant.  You might think twice before you light up that cigarillo, hombre.  It's axis is tilted sideways.  It's magnetic poles don't align with its rotational axis.  You could measure its atomosphere's noble gases, to determine the distance at which it formed from the sun.  Test the Nice model (named after the French city, butt of course), which posits that the migration of Uranus away from the sun may have knocked comets towards the inner solar system, including our beloved, blue Earth.  This may have given our planet water and the structure of the atmosphere.  Ah, yes.  Uranus is indeed a thought-provoking subject. 

Uranus from 600,000 miles

Thinking about Uranus is helping me relax before my upcoming 5K run out at Camp Carol Joy Holling. Yes, it is sometimes difficult to sleep the night before an event that may feature some people with competitive natures. Yes, it is slightly frightening to one as mellow as I wanna be, but not as frightening as a probe to the prostate.

Get some knowledge and learn of Uranus. Uranus may thank you.

Now what about bicycles and Uranus? you ask. Well bicycling can be good for Uranus. Bicycling may help keep you moderately active, which is good for your overall health. Let me look into this a little more deeply.  I'll get back to Uranus later.

BSnottily yours.

Sexy Bike

February 15, 2012

As is evidenced by this man,

bicycling can be a powerfully sexual activity. For good or for ill. You decide.

You may have read here or here about the potential harm a man may inflict upon his trouser tribbles and associated captain's log by bicycling. Luckily these potential effects can be counteracted by making oyster, ginger, tomato and walnut smoothies (add a Cialis for a lemony zing) and slopping them into your water bottle. The only downside is that you may have to remove the cap to get at any of this virility sludge. In my mind the real question is not, "Is bicycling hard on your trouser tribbles?" but, "Is bicycling hard on Uranus?"

Bike Naked

As many of you bicyclists out there who are aspiring members of the Tokyo Cycling Club or perhaps another Japanese-based bicycling club such as their arch-rivals the Semas Racing Club, but dwell in a non-Japanese country and have read Memoirs of a Geisha, I had the following thought while plowing through some nearly virgin snow on the old multi-use path:

Is this what buying a mizuage is like?

Unfortunately it wasn't a clean finish, as I had to put my foot down once I reached the ridge of snow the plow had left in its wake. Such is often the nature of a mizuage, I understand. I had a good feeling and a nice, slippery and adorned set of trouser tribbles wheels.

The only downside was that I experienced a decrease in braking power (and my Bicycle Tire Sparx seemed to experience a temporary lack of Sparxiness) after burying my captain's log front wheel in the large, fluffy white pile of softness. Oh, yeeaahh.

In other racy news, I hear that large quantities of people want to be involved in a race of some sort these days. Apparently a Warrior Dash is slated to occur in the general vicinity of our fair town. This is apparently an obstacle course with costumes, moats filled with angry gar, dripping oil from towers, and flaming arrows.  Hopefully the winner will be able to dash quicklt enough to climb a tower and rescue a geisha from Professor Mizuage.  If you've got the tribbles, we've got the dash.  I am told that (dash it all) space in the dash is filling up quickly, so be sure to sign up dashingly.  Warriors charge!

So get your sexy on and get out there for a spin, you sexy beast! Oh behave, be-waaaa!

Hate the bicyclist? Love the bicycle?

February 13, 2012

Have you noticed that tomorrow is Valentine's Day? If you are a man, you can thank me for the heads up later. If you are a woman, than you are probably surprised to realize that I actually am aware of this upcoming event. There is probably a fun-run taking place somewhere.

Nothing says love like bicycles. Especially if you leave a pure, unsullied-by-a-shovel blanket of snow in the driveway and draw a big heart in your driveway by riding your bicycle in a heart shape. If your significant other can tell it's a heart than I'd call it a win.

There is even a song about love by a band called "The Bicycles." 

Here is what appears to be a romantic contraption you can construct for you and your loved one for a dangerous mixture of bicycleing and togetherness.  Side-by-side bicycles are the Brangelina of bicycling togetherness.

Another option is homemade wine. Nothing says romance like telling your significant other that the "interesting" flavors that are lightly caressing the insides of their mouth were created by mashing grapes between your toes. If you haven't already created a large vat of homemade wine in your basement/garage/bathroom to share with your significant other, that's alright. You still have some options.
1) Start making some wine now.  It might be ready by next Valentine's Day.
2) Buy some grape juice and pour in some vodka. Crush some grapes with your feet and mix them in for a more authentic flavor. Or just pour the vodka over your feet and into the grape juice. That might be considered kind of lazy, but hey, your feet are clean! 

Well, I hope you get a nice warm feeling of some sort this Valentine's Day.
<3 BSnot

Sacrificial RAAM

February 10, 2012

Do you ride your bicycle because you feel like it is the gateway to another dimension that can be reached through suffering? Maybe you feel that bicycling is a method to experience the true essence of your being? Do you want to see how you feel and what your body does in situations that are completely inexplicable? Well, if you answered no to all of these questions, then perhaps you are a symmetrical mandala of contemplation. If you answered yes, then maybe you should go get RAAMed. It is the infamous Race Across America. Competitors in the solo category will ride for about 9 days without much sleep or stopping for about 3,100 miles, from San Diego to Atlantic City.

RAAM was the subject of a movie called Bicycle Dreams that I watched at the Aksarben Cinema last night with a crowd of fellow bicycle enthusiasts.



How many bicycles can you spot?  How many bicyclists?

 The movie was part of a fund raiser that was organized by two of the local bicycle clubs:  Omaha Pedalers and Bellevue Bicycle Club. Funds were being raised to help with the construction of local trails and bike lanes, specifically a Fort Crook Road bike lane connecting Bellevue to downtown Omaha. Turnout was good, and it included the mayors of both cities, who gave some brief speeches endorsing both bike paths and bike lanes. There were also a few bike shops with bicycles on display, such as a $3,000 Trek Madone 4.7 (?) from the Bike Rack. 

Look at me.  Crisp, clean and oh, so refreshing!

Yes, that is a lot of money, especially if you like your bikes like me- old, slow and stable (wait, is that me, or my bikes...?   Hmmmmm.)  But the good new is I hear the Rack's got a sale this weekend.

I bought some raffle tickets and headed in to claim a new, very comfortable seat in the theater where I relaxed in the company of fellow bicyclers. I met my neighbor, Martin, who encouraged me to join one of the local bicycling clubs. We bitched about how our family members mostly hated bicycles.

If you hated bicycles already, watching Bicycle Dreams would not improve your perception of our lovable 2-wheeled accomplices. The movie portrayed a motley group of extreme endurance athletes out on the highways of the US of A. Mostly they were bicycling very rapidly with a big van full of people behind them to cater to their needs as they engaged in this epic exercise in masochism. The transcendental nature of the race was discussed using a variety of metaphors. Superlatives flew out of hyperbole in volleys of verbal fireworks that ignited the ensuing wildfire known as Bicycle Dreams. One of my favorite quotes was by Chris McDonald of Seattle (the [spoiler alert!] eventual 2nd place finisher), who said something along the lines of, "You know, the most primal form of surviving. It's just...survival!" Yes it is, Chris. I don't think many of us would argue with you on that one. Kind of like the most primal form of human communication is crying, which most of the RAAMers did a lot of due to the extreme suffering and varying degrees of delirium they endured. Quite a few tears were shed when the affable strong man Bob Breedlove (a 53 year old orthopedic surgeon from Iowa who was on his 6th RAAM) was struck and killed by an oncoming vehicle during the race. Bob's motto was displayed as an acronym on his license plate: "IADIP" for "It's another day in paradise."

The movie seemed like it went on for a long time. It was really only about 2 hours, but they covered over 3,000 miles, so no wonder it seemed long. Two Slovenians, Jure and Marko, were vying for the lead for awhile until Marko had to go to the hospital due to breathing difficulty. It turns out he had a dangerously severe case of pneumonia in both lungs and had to bow out. Jure, a member of the Slovenian army, was the 3rd time winner of the race by a large margin. Hopkinson was a bit of comedy relief as the blundering Briton (an itinerant music teacher who had suffered multiple bicycling accidents and injuries and had an irrepressibly puckish sense of humour) with a colourful mouhawk. After about 1,900 miles his crew helped him apply an inflatable tube around his neck to keep his head from falling forward as he rode. He became the first Briton to finish the RAAMing ritual.

After the film, a former RAAM participant, Kay Ryschon from our fair city did a Q&A. She told a few good stories about the event and how she passed a guy who was about to settle down to a well-earned nap, when she passed him. He passed her about an hour later because he wasn't going to let a girl get in front of him!
I made it out to the lobby and won a New Belgium Brewery bottle opener during the raffle, yay! Thanks to all the people who made this happen.

If you are interested in RAAM, I am told that there's a really good book about it called Hell on Two Wheels. Also the same director of Bicycle Dreams, Stephen Auerbach, has apparently done another movie about the race, and is possibly making a third. If you are looking for some meaning to life. Maybe you are looking for the mean RAAAMMMM! Race Aaa! cross Mmmmerica! Run away, run away! I hear there's a tandem category. Maybe a relay category, too. I'll take a downhill stage.

Oh, and if suffering, two wheels and a movie is your version of a burger, fries and a beer, then you might wanna check out the upcoming Ghost Rider 2.

Unleash the sail!

Febuary 7, 2012

I have taken a break from my bicycling activities these days and this has allowed me some extra time to devote to getting ready for the upcoming snow run on February 18 out at Camp Carol Joy Holling. That is where I went to confirmation camp. There was a really hot counselor there. At the dance she smiled at me and gestured at me with her finger. Not the usual finger, though. She was beckoning me. Sweetly inviting. That is when I got my butt up off the table I was leaning against, which happened to be covered with stacks of dishes that upended the table in a huge crashing of ceramic plates after I had removed my weight from the end of the table. I have probably told you that story before, but it never gets old, does it? Perhaps this will be a chance to redeem myself, or at least to create some more embarrassing moments for me to revisit for years to come! It's a win-win!

My recent running excursions have taken me into a variety of snow conditions. I wear gaiters to keep some of the snow out of my shoes. They're kind of like fenders for my feet. Here they are after a lovely trip to the drugstore.

It really was a lovely trip. Here is a photo.

Now I am kicking back with a goblet of homemade (by a friend) Concord grape wine.

Yeah. Who's laughing now?

All of us bicycling enthusiasts may have noticed that the Nebraska legislature is considering a bill to create a law that stipulates motorists give bicyclists, pedestrians, and equestrians at least 3 feet of space when passing. I am happy to hear it. Not only will I feel somewhat safer if this bill becomes a law, but I will also be able to wear a huge sombrero or hoist me trusty jib-sail if I get a hankerin' to catch a burly nor'easter on my way home from my work at the Omaha Marina and Bike Wholesailer.

May the wind always be in your pterosail, legislators, as you consider this bill. Give the sail room to fly free... and safe!

Fixin' fer a tramp?

Febeerary 1, 2012

Do you like to fix things? Do you use JB Weld to fix things?! Whaa!? Me too!! Part of the reason I like to fix things is that I tend to break things. The other part of the reason is that I am unabashedly miserly. I was finally able to crack my plastic bicycle fender (not a euphamism) after about 15 years of intermittent abuse. I fixed it with JB Weld (aka "The Weld.")

I have used JB Weld to fix my sideview mirror after I broke it off by bumping into it many times with my bicycle wheels, handlebars and fender. I hear you can also fix your cracked manifold with "The Weld." For those of us to which the meaning of "manifold" is not apparent and manifold. Here is what I found out about a "manifold" with a little trick I like to call "looking it up on the internet."

I even have access to a car with a cracked manifold, so it is only a matter of time before I put "The Weld" back into action. I may have to buy another pack or two.

So what else is going on? Really? Neat. Did you know that there was a movie with panel discussion at Film Streams tonight? No I didn't go to it either. It apparently has something to do with urban design/planning and encouraging alternative modes of transport. It is called, Urbanized.  I don't know much about bicycles, but on the other hand I know much less about urban planning. So what I would suggest is that the path to glory is paved with potholes. No I don't know what that means, but I just came up with it. Not too shabby, eh?

Along this manifold-use path of discussion, I hear that Omaha is in the midst of a Transportation Master Plan planning (TRAMP). So if you wanna get busy with a TRAMP, stay alert and you might get your chance. Of course the alleged "open house" at a mysterious location called "TBD" apparently occurred in January 2012 while I happened to not be paying attention for a change.  This could be another case of "them" trying to avoid us poor shmoes with no connections.  Kind of like how the Omaha Bikes website never puts up their Handlebar Happy Hour locations until they are already over, or at least already started.  I suspect that this is so that I won't be nervously waiting for them, halfway into my second martini because I am actually meeting people outside of work or my basement!

Alright Omaha Bikes, you may have eluded me this time.  But I will track you down.  You are my Professor Moriarty.  And I.  I am taunting you.  If I can ever catch up with you I may taunt you a second time.

Here's a cool tune I heard that appears to be a realist's portrayal of the manifold manifestations of the elusive tramp, called Bike Lane by Richard Underhill.

Happy Groundhog's Eve!  Hopefully your calendar was more informative about this topic than both of mine were.  If I weren't such a staunch supporter of this special holiday honoring the lowland representative of the marmot clan, I might have forgotten to even mention it!  Ah the dogged ignominy!  I can't seem to escape!  It is hounding me!  Quick, back to my hole!