Safety Bike

May 8, 2011

As all citizens of our great nation are now aware, Bike Safety Month is upon us, like a sheep dog herding its flock towards the safety of the next pasture. People are wearing colors that are even brighter than your typically outrageously bright spring fashions.

I have been safely riding my bicycle without a lost time accident for approximately 28 days now, so I am glad to welcome this Safety-worshipping time of the year. In the pagan bacchanal of springtime rituals, I constructed a Safety idol to remind me of the all-glorious role of Safety in our lives.

I call her "Safe Urassup." Not only is it Bicycling Safety Month, it's also Bike Month in general. As a staunch devotee of Safety, I would be remiss in not mentioning that the upcoming month of June is also Safety Month (in general).

Pick your poison. No, I do not think it's too much all at once. Embrace Safety. Wallow in it. Go ahead, but you might want to find a private place to be alone with Safety. It's just safer that way.

A couple days ago, I saw the pedestrian equivalent of my self-image as the Safest Bicyclist of Suburban Omaha-First Week of May 2011.

Although it may be hard to tell from this less than adequate photo, this pedestrian is sporting large, retro-chic headphones and a yellow safety vest, placed accessibly atop his briefcase.  He is also walking to the extreme right side of our beloved multi-use path.  Although the huge noise-cancelling muffs might not be considered safe by some, I think the presence of the yellow safety vest cancels out the noise of those decrying the muffs.  And walking to the right of the path is the sign of a considerate, model-user of the multi-use way, (also known as multi-do).  He might even don his boldly colored safety top when crossing busy intersections, transformed from his normal identity as a mild-mannered citizen to a proud cock o' the walk strutting through the concrete jungle, eyed greedily by the many single female motorists looking for a man with healthy walking habits and a yen for safety. 

I saw many types of safety markings today, mostly underground utility oriented, but a few for above-ground events such as these-

The "Ahea" sign is perhaps confusing to some, which can be dangerous, because one shouldn't operate a vehicle in a state of confusion.  I'm pretty sure the next character is a "!" which makes the more sensible statement "Ahea!," which, as everyone knows, is a universally understood entreaty to "Watch out, dipshit!"  The lady carrying the flag might just be using it to mark the corner of her youngling's football (South American/southern North American/et. al., football, that is) matches/practices. But it would also look simply smashing if it were attached to the Old Bastard's backside.

I was slightly disappointed not to see any bicycle-specific safety markings, so I rang my handlebar bell mournfully a few times. But then I pulled myself quickly out of my melancholy, since melancholy bicycling isn't as safe as ordinary unemotional, objective bicycling. Which is why Terminators are probably the best bicyclists. I'm pretty sure that the studio will contact me soon with regards to my screenplay for Terminator 5: Bicyborgs. (The "cy" is short for "cycle" in futuristic Earth slang).

Sometimes I think that bicycle crossing signs at select intersections would be a good idea, but on the other hand bicycles could be crossing most any intersection at any time and probably shouldn't need signs to be safe. Hmmmm. Whoa. I think the Safety might be taking over my objectivity and using me as a vassal for her own purposes. We serve you, Safety. Please guide us safely along our well-marked path towards safer pastures.

Bike Safely! (con accento, you bastard!)