How was your Leap Day? Very nice, I hop. Mine was god. I was especially fondle of the bicycling conditions I encountered after I noticed the wind was going to be at my tail for the commute to the commode constructing company. Yes it was windy. I could hear it before I got out of bed. I brieflessly considered staying in bed, but I was slightly afeared that I might get stuck in some kind of whimsically sadistic Leap Day feedback loop similar to the horror film known as Groundhog Day. So I got out onto the pavement and was mostly helped along on my way to the daily grind.
There are many noises that are bicycle-specific. Some are happier sounds than others. Here are some of the ones that I enjoy, with some aggravating ones thrown in for balance: 1) knobby tires on pavement (vaguely jet engine-like), 2) puddle water deflected harmlessly away by a fender (Ha!), 3) the grinding of ineffectual gear-shifting, 4) ON YOUR LEFT!! Today I was treated to an aural delicacy as I encountered several puddles with veneers of ice on top. They made satisfying crunching, simultaneously splishy sounds as I rolled onwards towards my destiny (tea and a slightly cramped workspace). I glided powerfully along, propelled by a tailwind and a hunger for ice-crushing. I imagined the Old Bastard as an ice-crushing whaling vessel in the Antarctic Ocean. My whales are photographs. I didn't actually harpoon any whales on this venture. I was too busy crushing ice.
Hey guess what's coming up? That's not bad for a first guess, but no, I was actually referring to the annual Blarney Stone Run which, as I understand it, has been moved to the downtown area recently (within the last five years or so). As the perceptive among us might have noted, the abundance of commas in the previous sentence (along with the liberal use of parentheses) could be considered, by some, almost...Captain Kirk-like. Kirk-like, you say!? Well, it is interesting that you mention that, because Kirk, as many of you Trekkers know, was fond of riding (among other things) his bicycle through crunchy puddles of ice-frosted water during his spare time on the holo-deck.
Alright, so maybe he's not much of a bicyclist, but those pants look like they could be a gateway item into the world of bicycling. So climb aboard Captain! There's plenty of ice out there for both of us to crush!
Have you ever been surprised to discover that you liked something a whole lot when you weren't exactly crazy about the idea in the first place? No? Well, me neither. But I've always loved bicycling. And web-logging (aka "'blogging). Before I knew there was such a thing as "'blogging," I used to participate in things like mini-comics and low-budget "literary" magazines. Both of these things require actual interaction with real people. Face to face! Whaaa!? Well, those days are behind me now, as I sit happily alone in my basement and expound upon the joys of bicycling-related experiences. When I first undertook to produce this Bike Snob NYC-inspired undertaking, I did not realize how addictive it would be. Can you believe that this is my 100th "'blogging" venture? Yeah, "why?" is a natural reaction, but if you have to ask "why?" then you'll never understand, so splueiajahhaha to you!
It was a good week for bicycling around town. I went forth to the local sports bar to pick up a copy of the local "out and about" newspaper (aka The Reader). It was there that some type of vehicle engaged in some staccato honking. Was this outburst directed at me and my flashy illuminati (i.e., Tire Sparx, Superflash, Headtrip, and Catseye)? If you were the honker and I was the honkee, then here is some news for you: I am a bicyclist whose mentality is similar to that of a shy, respectable girl's. In other words, honking, hooting, whistling, etc. are not good ways of getting my attention. Instead they are slightly annoying and suspicious behaviors. I'm pretty sure that you were just jealous of my sweet nighttime rig. That's understandable, but you could always get some type of illegal ground lighting setup. If you would like to communicate with me, please feel free to find my "'blog" and leave a comment. I will be sure to respond with as much thought/sincerity as I can muster (varies depending on the circumstances).
Like me, I'm sure that many of you also enjoy bicycling around and about in slightly snowy/rainy conditions. It lets you know that you are alive! (Hheeehh, [creepy-sounding breathing]). Although bicycling through a snowy park is truly enjoyable, sometimes in the summer it is just not a readily available activity. That is one of the reasons why I was happy to fasten my trusty camera to my helmet with a Gorillapod in order to record the following excursion for posterity.
I was recently informed of a well-constructed website that lists most of the "endurance" sporty events in Nebraska. Have a look-see?
It was pretty nice out today. I was able to enjoy some bicycling. I saw some kids throwing bread at some ducks. A dog barked at a treed squirrel. Good job, boy! You too, dog!
Many of us bicyclists enjoy expounding upon the dubious accomplishment known to human-powered two-wheeling enthusiasts as a "century." For non-bicyclists, this is the act of bicycling for 100 miles in a single day in a more or less continuous manner (breaks for meals, rest, bodily functions and conjugal visits are generally allowed). While a century can indeed be a formidable undertaking and life-affirming accomplishment, I (like many bicyclists and athletes in general) enjoy comparing active experiences to regular experiences. To that end, I feel like completing 100 blogs is my personal equivalent of a century ride. This is perhaps generous- considering each blog to be the equivalent of a single mile. Some of the blogs are more like jumping on the bike and spinning down to the convenient store for a beer and getting back home to sit in the basement and watch a movie. That's alright. Sometimes just getting outside and rotating the rubber is what matters. Sometimes I might even roll backwards a little, but eventually I usually either fall over or move ahead. A lot like life. (insert emotional, inspiring soundtrack). How will the next 100 be? I don't know. Thanks for the trip so far. I look forward to many more rotations.
Like the strange dichotomy of Dr. Watson/Mr. Holmes, or Uranus and Neptune, sometimes the weather in Nebraska is a bit schizophrenic. As you may recall yesterday was delightfully warm and sunny, whereas today wasn't! Imagine that! Here's a photo of yesterday,
when it was so sunny that I noticed many pedestrians out walking their dogly friends. A possibly retired couple even waved at me! A kid in a short-sleeved shirt got out of a car at a stoplight, narrowly avoided being sideswiped by another car in the neighboring lane and threw coins at another kid in another car! Pretty zany! I saw a kid on a foot-powered scooter. I even saw another bicyclist as I approached my abode of homeness. It was so nice out that people were getting into all sorts of trouble and I noticed an ambulance making a beeline towards someone involved in an accident, possibly caused by spring-like-weather-related recklessness.
Today was slightly soggy and (in the afternoon) pretty windy.
I had a nice talk with a fellow employee at the tack and feed wholesaler where I wholesomely wholesale. He asked how far I lived from the warehouse and I told him (5.5 miles). 20, 25 minutes? he estimated. No, oh no. I laughed self-deprecatingly. About a half-hour. I'm pretty slow.
Yeah, yuck it up you speedsters. Your girlfriend wasn't laughing. Oh, wait. Yes she was. I'm not slow at everything. And I think she's seen my bike.
So what's new with you? Reeaally? Yawn. No, no, I'm not bored, just tired. I have been so busy working for my bacon that I have become unaware of any interesting events that might be occurring even as we speak. Let me look into this and get right back to you.
Say what you want about Lindsay Lohan, but she is apparently no stranger to bicycling. Here she is in a photo I found on justjared.com (what?!) in a slightly suggestive-looking situation.
Hey, I don't care what's happening below the waist there, she's wearing a helmet so anything goes!
An undisclosed source named Jared tells me that most of her skits as she hosts the upcoming Saturday Night Live will be bicycle-based. Jack White, who may actually be the polar to Jack Black's bi-, will be the musical guest.
They may do a suggestive duet on bicycles, or at least I have suggested as much to Lorne Michael, who is also a nearly avid bicyclist (he's executive producer of Portlandia, so he must be! right!?)
Have you ever had a listless Monday? Well, mine has been that way. What can we do to become listful? Why make some lists, methinks! Here's one, entitled reasons for a listless Monday:
drizzly
tired from moderately active weekend
ate huge lunch with dessert + 1/4 of rest of the family's desserts
generally dour disposition
lack of lists
No time to reenact founding of President's Day with extended family due to having to work at the boiler-making factory
lack of a sunshine bicycle
Well, that list really perked me up. I am now able to reach out to share my general interest in bicycles and moderate activity.
As most of you are aware, Republican nominees have been requesting my guidance in a bicycle-themed tour of our fair city. They are also keenly aware that a bicycle patrol along the as-yet-undisclosed-route of the Keystone XL pipeline is the "key" to a "stone (read: Canadian diamond)" of "XL" proportions. As you may have noted, I am not proud. If you would like to hire a bike patroller to provide a veneer of effective, humane environmental watchdoggedness to this questionable venture, just let me know. I am your man (for a reasonable annual salary and a decent pro-deal for outdoor gear).
George W. is a moderately avid mountain bicyclist, and he won.... twice!
Don't be dunder-headed you crazy bunch, you! Get on a pair of self-powered wheels and roll towards assured victory!
What makes getting up early on a Saturday fun? Well, it depends on who you are. But I had fun getting up early today so that I could participate in the inaugural Empyrean 5K run out at Camp Carol Joy Holling, near Ashland, Nebraska. I wandered around a bit and took some photos before the run.
Nice booties!
The run started when this snowperson was ceremoniously shoved off the balcony of the old-timey dining area.
The run was the hardest 5K that I have ever been on. That is probably because most of the 5Ks I've been on have been flat and paved. This was neither. Here are some of my highlights:
Running through the snow past very slow runners just after the start of the run
Falling down on a slightly slippery downhill section
Having lunch with my dear aunt
Drinking some beer
Falling down is something that I have a fair bit of experience with, so it didn't really slow me down much. There were a few stream crossings (with plank or log options, if you prefer not to get too soggy).
A runner that was in front of me became seemed a little demoralized as we encountered a slightly uphill slog through a muddy cornfield. The weather was very nice. It was pretty muddy. I thought I might have a heart attack, since I am no Jim Fixx and he still had a heart attack. I think the food was provided by Lazlo's Restaurant and Brewery. Beer cheese soup, salad and pulled pork sandwiches. Ah. Good times.
Camp CJH is a Lutheran Camp. As such, the event was officially Christ-sanctioned, which made me feel quite safe and maybe a tad less angry than usual while running, which was a nice feeling. Empyrean Brewing Company brewed a Luther Lager specifically for the event.
It was quite quaffable. Glad to see a little zip in protestant get-togethers these days.
Camp CJH is also home to a good-looking high ropes course.
A guy named Jason ran the course in about 30 minutes in paleo-slippers! I was impressed with this feat and told him so.
Since my friends are is not really running-oriented, I generally do the Han Solo minus Chewie mission to these types of events. This time, though, I met up with a co-worker at the sausage-making factory where I am currently break-evenly employed. He also likes to run occasionally and is moderately active like me! This is probably good, but it might cause me to get out to more of these events, which I'm already slightly addicted to. Hopefully I will be able to cope.
Might be time for an afternoon nap! Happy weekend!
Would you like to play doctor with me? Not in the naked way, but in the amateur medical knowledge-obtaining way? It's kind of like playing detective and doctor at the same time. Like a Dr. Watson/Mr. Holmes personae. Like you, I am interested in Uranus. Have you had a prostate exam lately? Although aliens have been interested in probing for years, we homo sapiens are also hoping to get a probe into the atmosphere of Uranus soon. What!?
Speaking of playing doctor, my ex-doctor recommended that I get a prostate exam based on my prostate-specific antigen (PSA) count. But what that doctor did not have, was all the relevant information. The doctor did not realize that I had recently ejaculated while my mind was on Uranus. I had also been drinking oyster-ginger smoothies, and bicycling, which may also raise one's PSA count. Sexual activity can artificially raise one's PSA count. I found this out with a quick internet search, and based on this information I declined to participate in my ex-doctor's recommendation that I get my prostate checked by a specialist. I was searching for proctologists online, but I was unable to find some pertinent information -hand size. That was when I started looking into prostates - not literally, but rather searching for more information. I even learned that women have prostates, too! Knowledge helped me avoid the probing digits of the proctologist, for now...
Which brings me to the possibility of launching a probe towards Uranus. It occasionally behooves one to launch one's mind/imagination to distant realms, times far from today. This is accomplished in a variety of ways: RAAMing, focused dreaming, near-death experiences, etc. Or you could build a billion dollar vessel as a vehicle for the Uranus Pathfinder project. This project was suggested by British scientists and it's launch is proposed for 2021, so no need to pack Uranus supplies just yet. Come with me as we approach Uranus. It will only take 15 years to arrive at Uranus in our nuclear-powered vessel. Unsurprisingly, there is an abundance of methane on this somewhat gaseous ice giant. You might think twice before you light up that cigarillo, hombre. It's axis is tilted sideways. It's magnetic poles don't align with its rotational axis. You could measure its atomosphere's noble gases, to determine the distance at which it formed from the sun. Test the Nice model (named after the French city, butt of course), which posits that the migration of Uranus away from the sun may have knocked comets towards the inner solar system, including our beloved, blue Earth. This may have given our planet water and the structure of the atmosphere. Ah, yes. Uranus is indeed a thought-provoking subject.
Thinking about Uranus is helping me relax before my upcoming 5K run out at Camp Carol Joy Holling. Yes, it is sometimes difficult to sleep the night before an event that may feature some people with competitive natures. Yes, it is slightly frightening to one as mellow as I wanna be, but not as frightening as a probe to the prostate.
Get some knowledge and learn of Uranus. Uranus may thank you.
Now what about bicycles and Uranus? you ask. Well bicycling can be good for Uranus. Bicycling may help keep you moderately active, which is good for your overall health. Let me look into this a little more deeply. I'll get back to Uranus later.
bicycling can be a powerfully sexual activity. For good or for ill. You decide.
You may have read here or here about the potential harm a man may inflict upon his trouser tribbles and associated captain's log by bicycling. Luckily these potential effects can be counteracted by making oyster, ginger, tomato and walnut smoothies (add a Cialis for a lemony zing) and slopping them into your water bottle. The only downside is that you may have to remove the cap to get at any of this virility sludge. In my mind the real question is not, "Is bicycling hard on your trouser tribbles?" but, "Is bicycling hard on Uranus?"
As many of you bicyclists out there who are aspiring members of the Tokyo Cycling Club or perhaps another Japanese-based bicycling club such as their arch-rivals the Semas Racing Club, but dwell in a non-Japanese country and have read Memoirs of a Geisha, I had the following thought while plowing through some nearly virgin snow on the old multi-use path:
Unfortunately it wasn't a clean finish, as I had to put my foot down once I reached the ridge of snow the plow had left in its wake. Such is often the nature of a mizuage, I understand. I had a good feeling and a nice, slippery and adorned set of trouser tribbles wheels.
The only downside was that I experienced a decrease in braking power (and my Bicycle Tire Sparx seemed to experience a temporary lack of Sparxiness) after burying my captain's log front wheel in the large, fluffy white pile of softness. Oh, yeeaahh.
In other racy news, I hear that large quantities of people want to be involved in a race of some sort these days. Apparently a Warrior Dash is slated to occur in the general vicinity of our fair town. This is apparently an obstacle course with costumes, moats filled with angry gar, dripping oil from towers, and flaming arrows. Hopefully the winner will be able to dash quicklt enough to climb a tower and rescue a geisha from Professor Mizuage. If you've got the tribbles, we've got the dash. I am told that (dash it all) space in the dash is filling up quickly, so be sure to sign up dashingly. Warriors charge!
So get your sexy on and get out there for a spin, you sexy beast! Oh behave, be-waaaa!
