Pipedreams

October 24, 2011

As a citizen who attempts to maintain a hazy, semi-awareness of recent events, I became aware last night that there are some murals along the Keystone (Multi-use) Trail near 67th and Center that were christened today. There was reportedly an after-inauguration celebration at Jones Cupcakes in Aksarben Village. This is right next to Liv Lounge, and I've got a coupon for that somewhere. Although I missed opening night, I do look forward to some art appreciation, multi-use riding and cupcakes at a time preferably in the near future. Meanwhile, please keep an eye out and/or send me a postcard.

Speaking of hazy, semi-awareness, what about this crazy Keystone XXL Pipeline deal? What's up with that? At first I thought this was going to be an above-ground pipe that would provide an elevated, scenic pathway for bicycle touring up to South Dakota and (for the intrepid traveller) North Dakota. There could be some rope bridges connecting the pipeline to tree fort / Ewok village camping areas. Of course, some entrepreneurial hippies would possibly tap into the line for some free fuel to power their VW Westphalia. It might be hard to transform the dreaded Dilbit (diluted bitumen, ahhhhhh [scream of terror]) into usable fuel, but I'm pretty sure it could occur with a little perseverance and ingenuity. TransCanada wouldn't mind too much because they will be reaping map quantities of semi-liquid funds. They would coquettishly turn their corporate back with a knowing wink over their shoulder. Unfortunately, I have since learned that the planned pipeline will be underground, which is not as exciting to me. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure this crazy underground thing could work. Now I know this project has its naysayers and opponents. But so did many large and/or forgotten figures/absentees throughout history. Like that guy who thought that fermented wood stew would be a tasty beverage of enlightment. But, then again there was that guy Icarus. Henry Ford. Noah. The Wright brothers. The Hindenberg. And the Jones Brothers. These misguided/brilliant innovators assuredly had their detractors. (Speaking of Icarus, here is an awesome Iron Maiden video about that visionary).

Frank Sinatra did it his way. Well, TransCanada's president and CEO Russ Girling wants to do it his way too! Is that a crime? Well, it depends on who you ask. But it is assuredly American. Do you think people urged Pecos Bill to ride tornadoes or Babe the Big Blue Ox after he drank the Great Lakes after the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald during prohibition? The answer is either a) No, or b) What!? But either way you have to admit that it is a big dream.

Unfortunately TransCan hasn't exactly had the best PR relating to their grandiose vision of the future. So here is some advice, Russy, turn the above-ground part of the pipeline into a multi-use trail. Sure it would lack the elevated perspective I was dreaming of before I was so rudely disillusioned. Yes, TC, you should feel bad about that, but it's not too late for you to make things right with me. Firstly, let's get this path thing going. If you'd asked me sooner, I would have advised you to publicize the multi-use path first, and then (after construction was underway) mention that, "oh yeah, there is a little conduit transporting Dilbert under the path." You've already been generous enough to provide us Homahans with the Keystone Trail, you could've just called it the Keystone XL Trail (Although personally I would prefer "Stone West"). But you didn't ask. Secondly, once you get this path built, you can hire me to patrol the path. I will diligently traverse back and forth along this 2,147 mile corridor, plant tomatoes and sunflowers, camp, play some mandolin, socialize, and keep an eye out for any leaks. And don't worry about inclement weather, I will use the generous salary you provide wisely. Only the finest all-season, high-tech gear will be implemented in this important occupation. I will not be fast, but I will be thorough. (I'm estimating 40 miles a day or so, which would allow one full traverse every 54 days). Of course you can count my salary towards purchasing carbon offsets because I will use only human-powered locomotion out on my beat. I may have to hire some qualified individuals to assist. If you hire enough of us you could be carbon neutral by 2020!  We will be known as the XL Pipe Patrol or maybe the Pipe Smokies, or something cool. We'll need a badass logo, too, which I'll be working on in the near future. Maybe some time pondering the new murals over on 67th and Center will get me some inspiration for logolizing.