Hey honchos and honchoettes! What is your poison? Or would you prefer to pick your passion? Yes! I like it!
As a keen occasional observer of bicycle media, I have recently become aware that a former professional bicycler, one Sir Lancelot Armingstrong, about whom I have typed about previously, has admitted to being on drugs. Well, that's what they called it back when I was in junior high. Now it's apparently called "doping." Semantics aside, I feel that this is a wake up call for all of us bicyclers to admit stuff. I would like to follow Sir Lancelot's lead and admit that I too have been on drugs/doping for much of the time I have been bicycling these past 6 years or so. Before that I was on drugs all the time whether or not I was bicycling. My bicycling dopes of choice have been valium and ritalin prescribed for me by my family doctor, Dr. Nick. The valium keeps me calm and the ritalin keeps me focused and alert. And if I drink one beer I get all fuzzy and usually black out. It's a win-win-win! Except now I feel guilty since I just told you about it, oh my surrogate Oprah! Ah the guilt! But I feel better too. How about you? Why not admit something? It'll be great!
A friend of mine, also named Nick, gave me this awesome tail light for my birthed day.
It looks fantastic! Kind of like a traveling, personal bike lane! You should get one too! Here's a review of what seems to be a similar product.
I must now somewhat regretfully inform you that I will be unable to attend to my irregular internettal diary-ing for approximately one month. I will be undergoing some soul-searching and online rehabbing following my being on drugs for so long. I might also take some drugs. I will get back to you with all the results ASAP! Now I've really got to get to work on that fan letter to Pentax! You've probably got better things to do too! Admit it!
Hey Januarians! What's new? Good, good. Hmmm. Not so good? Balanced. Creaky?
You will be surprised to hear that my Pentax camera was entombed in a snowy state of suspension for the past three weeks. But today it got up to 10 degrees Centigrelcius (50 degrees F-ing-height). And it rained. And this is what I found when I went back to the location where I had taken my last photo with my trusty P-tax.
Can you say "Whooo-hooo!"? Well I sure did! And just out of curiosity I flicked the power switch and she fired right up!? As you can imagine, I am thrilled by this minorly miraculous turn of events and I am planning on writing Pentax a heartfelt fan letter. I was so excited I took a few blurry photos,
blurrified by some condensation which cleared up pretty quickly.
Here is the environment in which I dropped the P-ax.
The snow picked up and it got buried. The multiple-use trail was plowed preternaturally quickly. The P got buried in a ridge formed by the eager plow. Then it melted out with nary a scratch on her sleek, matte, boxy body. And it was sitting there waiting for me like a nicely chilled bottle of Bean-o or, if you prefer, vino! Alright enough rhapsodizing about my camera already.
What have you been up to? Checking your air pressure? Spraying stuff with Pam to prevent sludge adhesion? Neat!
So as you know Giant is a popular supplier of bicycles, primarily to bicyclers. Some would say a bicycle pusher. I used to think that their bikes were a great value, but now I just don't know. Haven't checked. Until now. And you know that Gangnam-style is a jam made popular by Corean rapper PSY. But, did you know that PSY loves to RIDE GIANT bicycles and that Giant is also a popular Corean television program depicting spies and intrigue and such? And Chick Corea isn't actually Corean or even a chick? Well it is. Here's my favorite clip so far.
So let's get Corazy and bicycle around y'all!
And let's not forget to pop a wheelie or two!
And keep looking down! You might find something valuable that has thawed out of a snow ridge! Bad dog!
Hello 2013! What mysteries and excitement do you hold? 2013 has been a special year for me in that I may or may not have resorted to selling bodily fluids in order to supplement my income as a bowling ball and ball accessories salesmanmachine and to support my camera-loosing/abusing habit. In any case, 'twas the 4th day of January of '13 that I found myself in a bodily fluid procurement establishment staring at this magazine.
Ah, what memories the sight of this magazine did elicit in my mind! Why, Bicycling magazine was the magazine that informed me of the length of Miguel Indurain's quadraceps and the importance of carb loading! Where would I be without this knowledge? I do not care to reflect upon this sad hypothetical situation any longer, thank you very much! This specific magazine cover seems to be the one that has been featured in many Bicycling magazine advertisements. Or else the covers are mostly virtually identical.
This issue had the top 50 bicycling cities in the Union of Statelinesses, which we reefer to as the U.S., for 2010. Minneapolis was #1. Yes. Minneapolis is apparently an awesome place to live. Hell, their North
American football team isn't even as sucky as usual this year. Let's all go to Minny-ville!
Some of my favorite things from Minneapolis are 1. Mark Mallman, 2. The Hold Steady, 3. Wendy and Lisa Loni Anderson Tippi Hedron Prince.
The article revealed that in the big M there are often plenty of ice hazards to be aware of while cheerily spinning about town, all red-cheeky and snotty. Also lots of bicyclers and related shops, co-ops and a gang or two.
When I was six I was in a spear-chucking bike gang. Unfortunately we were outmatched by the non-bicycling, rock-throwing gang that lived down the street. Maybe it was the fact that our spears were maybe a 1/2-inch diameter, 4-foot-long, slightly sharpened sticks that didn't fly straight. A variation of this type of gang apparently exists in Minneapolis, but instead of using crooked, unwieldy sticks they whack each other with 2x4s! So if you don't get your fill of head-impacting collisions while out icecycling you can join a real bicycle gang and/or get one upside the head! Sweet!
If there are two things that bicyclers often enjoy more than actual bicycling, they are talking about bicycling and watching movies about bicycling. Fortunately there may be an opportunity for both of these activities during the upcoming viewing of Reveal the Path at Aksarben Cinema at 7 p.m.on Thursday February 21. There may also by a 2x4 head-whacking-fun-fest after the show. But only if it's as icy as the wintry streets of Minneapolis. It's like hockey on bikes.
Let's slide!
It is likely to have escaped your notice that my last post did not have any photos or videos, so here!
As the end of the year nears, it behooves us to look back on the events of the past 360-odd days and react appropriately. You may be hanging your head in shame with a rueful smile upon your face. Or you may be excited, like me, because you have a brand new mini-me around to inflict your beliefs and general presence upon!
Prior to the arrival of Mini-Snot, I was out for a bicycle ride in some inclement weather. It required a good deal of focus, an unfamiliar state for me. I dabbed here, slid there. Got on the sidewalks for a more predictable type of ice-free snow. I took some photos. Possibly even made a video (it was about 10 days ago and my memory typically deletes items that aren't in use after 5 days or so). The reason I can't bore you any more details about this enjoyable event is because when I was attempting to re-pocket the trusty Pentax WG-1 I apparently missed! I noted the lack of camera in my pocket as I neared my abode of homeliness. Drat! I cursed while the storm intensified and I unsuccessfully attempted to twirl my frozen mustachios. Yes, I did backtrack to the last location(s) I recalled actually/possibly having possession of my techno buddy; yes, my Niterider 700 MiNewt battery eventually failed; but no, I didn't find my camera. It was good well it lasted. Which brings me to a segment that is required to be found in any bicycle-related text or thought processes everywhere - the product review. Or in this case reviews.
Pentax WG-1: great. tough. not so great in low light. small enough to be quickly buried in near-blizzard-like conditions.
Maxxis Overdrive Tyres: love 'em. great traction on the cornering. tread on rear tyre lasts about 2 years under regular commuting use on heavy, moderately loaded bicyclist bicycle (approximately 7,000 kilometres/4,200 miles).
Sun-Ringle Rhyno Lite wheel rims: these are pretty dang tough! I am a horrible bicyclist that crashes fairly often. I very seldom have to worry about truing a wheel since I started using these. I use them on both my dirt mountain bicycle and my commuting mountain bicycle. Can be challenging getting new tyres to fit on these rather wide rims. Don't like wrasslin' tyres? Well, would you rather replace a rim every time a poorly-timed bunny-hop sends your unsuspended rear wheel crashing into a curb or log and your careless arse cart-wheeling skywards?! Sheesh!
Please note that one or more of these items has been/will soon be discontinued. This is due to the fact that I don't really want to make a habit of opining about products unless I have spent significant amounts of time using them.
Shwew! Enough of that! I was getting bored reading those before I even finished typing about them. Which is not to say that I don't heartily endorse all 3 of these products.
So as you may have noticed, today is the eighth day after the Mayan apocalypse/doomsday. Which I like to refer to as DD+8. And if you were out partying, then you may have been the ones responsible for the sweet shindigs at the Mayan temples. I heard that dude totally wiped out when he was riding his mountainous bicycle down that crumbling stairway! Awesome! Wish I coulda been there, but I was busy enjoying the luxurious hospital-provided roll-away bed offered to new fathers.
Well here's to a great 2013 for you and your family and friends (drinks shot of Elijah Craig whiskey).
P.S.: Hey! Could representatives of the products I have endorsed in this post please send me a check? Anything's appreciated. I've got a Baby Snot to help support here!
December 17, 2012
It is getting pretty Christmasy here in the ol' Homeaha. Things in my usual suburbane environment often evoke wonderful visions of sugar plum faeries and/or other enjoyable holiday festibles! On my way to my place of employment at the deli equipment sharpening shop I noted that the local mudslide had been reactivated and then beautifully frozen into an evocative semblance of a delightful blended mudslide.
It looked frostier in real life!
And then on my way home I was entranced by this reminder
of the delightful midwestern treat, the cornicicle, a bland blend of mashed corn and water frozen into a popsicle. Or its grown-up, whacky cousin, the Dickens-esque Ghost of Corny Past, a slushy, smoky blend of mashed corn, corn liquor and liquid nitrogen. Mmmmm. I can almost feel the potentially fatal glow in my belly now!
And the fun doesn't stop there! How about a seasonally tactile connection with the land? Don't mind if I do! Just take a quick cruise through your local mini-mudslide on your bicycle and your bicycle tyre will be bedecked with boughs of mud which will gradually harden into an ice-like wreath to show your holiday spirit!
Not long after experiencing this powerful link with the earth, I encountered what may have been an extremely well-fed feral cat or an escaped domestique. Shown to poignant effect in this well executed (if I do say so myself) portrait/landscape composition.
If this is your feline, just e-mail me a decent description (more descriptive than "kinda glowy eyes") and I will attempt to capture the beast the next time I ride by good ol' Woodchuck Holler and return it to you (if it'll suffer the indignity of being stuffed into a pannier).
If I catch the critter the only reward I'll request is reimbursement for my woodchuck spray.
Ah, the joys of projecting the spirit of Christmas upon the local suburbia/agriculture! 'Tis the season indeed! Whacky things may occur, ala the feverish hallucinogenic freak-show known as "A Christmas Carol" which is on spooky display at the local Omaha Community Playhouse. Other seasonal tunes may be heard by checking out some musical entries into the spidery worldly wide net -
Are there some things in life that annoy you? Yep. Me too. Questions. Answers. People. What doesn't annoy me?! I am well on my way to becoming a cantankerous middle-aged man. I noticed this when I was again annoyed by a person sitting behind me at a movie yesterday. His feet and/or knee occasionally bumped against the back of my chair!? It happened often enough that I stood up to block his view and pretended to fiddle with something in my pocket for a while. Not very satisfying, though, since he still bumped my chair a few times, but not quite as many, during the next 2/3 of the fantastic 3-D film - Life of Pi. I think he was just old, tall, and oblivious, though, not malicious. I mean, these theatre chairs offer so much space these days! I could be sitting there with an orangutan and a tapir sharing my popcorn and still not bump the guy in front of me! Inexcusable! At least I feel like I now have a choice in being cantankerous, whereas I think pretty soon it will not be a choice so much as a part of my permanent disposition. I think I will choose to sit somewhere where there is no one behind me next time I visit the theatre.
People occasionally get annoyed while driving and/.or bicycling, I have observed. Mostly, though, they are happy to be getting somewhere. Bicyclers wave and motorists honk merry greetings as we all peaceably co-exist harmoniously. Carols are enthusiastically flung back and forth. Lights are not activated in mischievous games to see if others are paying attention. What a hoot!
So I hear there is a bicycling/running event occurring tomorrow! Cool, eh? It's a "biathlon" that doesn't involve skiing or shooting (at least hopefully to the latter!). This one is all-terrain bicycling/trail-running. I have heard these events called "duathlons" in the past, so I am in my usual general state of confusion.
More importantly, though, is the following query: Will our soon-to-be-alien overlords awaiting the Mayan apocalypse be participating? Well I think they would be hard-pressed to resist. The event is celebrating our earthly winter solstice, which occurs on the same day as their inauguration/Mayan apocalypse. So if you are participating in this event and you notice someone who seems to be a little different and/or physically superior, they are more than likely either doping and/or aliens. I think most aliens are doping. They are on another world, after all. Just think of all the shots we humanoids get when traveling to another continent and/or your in-laws' place for the holidays.
"How will these aliens contribute to our bicycling culture here on earth?", you ask. You don't ask? C'mon, work with me here people! Well I'm pretty sure they will build and maintain some pretty sweet MTB trails in new-agey places like Roswell, Sedona, maybe a few European plateaus and the like. They will build these trails with lasers emitted from their minds and amplified by their spacecrafts! Here is a Man or Astroman song that describes the probable events that will result in this trail (and mind!) expansion.
So get ready for some sweet mountain bicycling and maybe a road trip to Roswell! I'll be the non-alien taking photos of the potential aliens before the event and sucking ass and/or wind in the back of the pack when the actual riding occurs! Let's get terrestrial, astrowheelers!
Hey, are you going to that Bike de Lights ride on Friday? Hmmm. Sounds good. I'll meet you there with a big fat bag of holiday spirit! And by that I mean haggis, ach, lassies! What's a bike ride wi' no haggis?! Let's get bedecked and bedazzled and ride around! Whew yeah!
Did you notice the morning sky today? Well here's a photo to jog your memory.
A quick peek at the Earth and Sky website revealed that these 2 objects are the moon and Venus. So know I now!
So what music have you been listening too these days? Hmm. Live brass bands. Yes. Phonograph albums. Neat! I've been enjoying They Might be Giants' John Henry. I like TMBG. They've even got a few vaguely bicycle-oriented songs. Like this one.
And at least one song featuring the moon.
I like to think of the John with the saxophone as the moon because the horn is big, curved and shiny. Guitar John is Venus because he is my fire. It is at this time I would like to compare and contrast 2 six packs purchased recently. Here is one,
and here is the same one
but in different packaging. If one were to actually examine these photographs, it is theoretically possible to discern the following:
The top photo shows a six pack box that is empty. I assert that the box is empty because the bottom fell out. This represents the moon.
The bottom photo shows most of the six pack in a different box. I assert that this box is sturdier than the box in Exhibit A. This represents the planet Venus.
On an interesting side note, the box in Exhibit B is no stranger to containing bottles that do not contain the same beverage that is advertised on the side of the box. In what was a first to me, the Lucky Bucket Lager box actually contained Lucky Bucket Wheat! What?! Perhaps it is because of the shake up at ye ol' LB brewery. I heartell read that Brewmaster Zac Triemert has jumped ship to open his own brewery and distillery downtown. Borgata.
With all this talk of heavenly objects, it is easy for me to imagine someone asking, "So what about the UFOs and the Mayan Apocalypse?" Well, here's what. Yes, it seems that mountain tops shaped like pyramids might be a good place to see our impending alien overlords emerge from their ancient buried hiding places and soar majestically towards the moon or Venus, like a large cicada emerging from it's extended nymph state. But are they headed towards Venus or the moon? That is the main controversy surrounding this predicted event. But what all these predictions may not have caught is that Doomsday may have been postponed, at least locally. That's right the Doomsday Run has been pushed back to a post-official-Doomsday date. 12/22 or DD+1 as it soon will be nown.
What does all this mean for us Capricorns? Let's all branch out! And don't forget your bicycle! Your bicycle represents the moon, because you are sitting on it. And your gloves! Your gloves are your Venus because they keep your hands warm. Know we now dance!
