Earth Day Fun Run!

April 22, 2011

Hello and a happy Earth Day/Great Friday to you! Good Friday was upgraded based on the sacreligiously fine weather we enjoyed this afternoon and evening. It did not start out quite so cheery, as a moderate rain jumped out onto the road about the same time I did this morning. A continuously gritty spray of water ensured that my face was awake and slightly numb by the time I reached my place of employment (I run a small investment-advisory group I like to call the Stuff Your Money Under Your Mattress Group, Inc.).  I have witnessed scenes similar to this less than inspirational one fairly often lately.

So as you can imagine, when the heavens opened their arms in a warm embrace later in the day I was overjoyed with giddy springtime joy.

As many of you know, I am a tireless crusader for the preservation of all turtles, great and small. And as I am fond of advertising interesting events well in advance, you may have grown tired of my constant trumpeting about the first annual “Race Against Extinction,” which took place this evening at the inspirational Hitchcock Nature Center near Crescent, Iowa. My studious nature towards studying nature has caused me to feel a strong empathy towards nearly extinct turtles. Uninterestingly enough, my severe (occasionally nearly debilitating) attachment to endangered turtles began when a fellow youth outdoor activity leader informed me that when you are backpacking you are like a turtle because you carry your home on your back. Also I tend to do things rather slowly........like.....a.........turtle.

When I heard that I should race against extinction, I adjusted this exhortation to something more my speed, a sort of “run/jog in favor of extant-tion.” My initial interpretation was that the ubiquitous raptors that ruled the Hitchcock center with an iron talon had been hunting the local turtles to near extinction. There wasn’t much time to spare (I think the early announcements came out a couple months ago). We had to run (or walk/jog briskly) to the aid of our reptilian cousins. My plan was to stuff a couple turtles into my pockets and get them to a slightly safer, nearby environment where they could survive safely and happily with no natural predators (preferably a lovely [preferably zebra mussel-free] pond near my home). I figured if all the runners did the same, these fragile Testudines would be able to cautiously thrive in a more perfect location than the one they had had the misfortune to slowly choose.

I coquettishly informed the strapping EMTs manfully manning the ambulance that I was likely to need mouth-to-mouth attention due to my accident-prone nature and moderate lack of fitness. Their nervous laughter was quickly followed by the clarification that, “we’ve got masks.”

When I made it out to the starting line, I was excited yet slightly nervous about once again celebrating the pagan Earth Day, which had been put in place by some type of anti-Christ to counter the traditional, Christian holiday we like to call Easter.

I nervously eyed the meat/ice hooks which hung near the barn/starting line, wondering if the strongest runner would be sacrificed to some pagan deity following the bacchanal/race.

I once again gave thanks for my weakness and anonymity, there was no chance I would be suspended from these steel talons following my feeble exertions.

The race began, and I trotted gamely forwards, buoyed by my extreme case of spring fever and an invigorating drink I like to call “mate (con accento) you bastard!” Although naturally Testudinal in pace, I was actually faster than average on the descents, (approximately as speedy as a perfectly wheel-shaped, rolling-on-edge of shell turtle) which were aplenty during the beginning of the event. I do not generally run voluntarily, however when I do run I generally mimic my bicycling behavior- fast descents followed by slow, whining ascents and/or steady, flat pedaling.

As I let my superiority complex live a little during my relatively quick descending, I recklessly shot my camera off in various directions, in a true tour de farce of racing ennui.

Although I glanced in the direction of the stream at the bottom of the main descent, I could not discern any of the needy turtles requiring a transfer to a less deadly ecosystem.

I glanced fearfully upwards and noticed that several cruel-looking raptors were hovering above our pack, clearly waiting for the weakest gazelle/rabbit to become disconnected from the group before they mercilessly dove in for the kill. I bypassed the drink station, fearing a potential cramp which would make me a sitting, salty duck for the beaks of the red-tailed hawks, whose eyes I could feel boring into the top of my sweaty head.

Although my newfound sense of competitiveness quickly waned during the flats and ascents, I felt pretty good about my fairly snappy uphill hiking on the second half of the course.

I even passed a young, fit girl who stated, “Man, this is intense.” Yes, my fellow racer, intense for you, even more intenser for the Testudines!

As I finished the run, several people appeared impressed and were snapping photos of my less-than snappy finish. I didn’t want to over-exert my non-running-enabled heart during this unusual, exhilarating event. So I slowed and nonchalantly snapped photos of the photographers. (In hindsight, I think this may be my version of the turtle’s “head-into-shell” maneuver).

Mmmmm. Behold the fruits of my sporting spirit!

Yes, truly and Earth Day feast for the ages.

A fifth place “winner” (not the Olympics, obviously) was kind enough to allow me to photograph him with his awesome prize- a painting made by an actual (and probably baffled) Bengal tiger:

(Looks like that tiger is about to make a quick snack of that tasty-looking, recently disembodied wrist).  I’m pretty sure it was way better than the first place guy who’s prize was made by some kind of angry porpoise or something. Although I backtracked under the protective cover of the descending dusk to determine whether or not there were needy turtles in the stream that would prefer living in my less perilous neighborhood, I wasn’t able to locate any of the shy Testudines. Perhaps we were too late in our race. But we ran nonetheless, oh yes, we ran, (or at least jogged a little).
PostscriptOn a side note, during my last reconnaissance of the turtle habitat I came across this disquieting bit of information(!):

Yes, it appears that a “woody invasion” is occurring at our very own Hitchcock Nature Center. Our beautiful, sun-loving prairies are being out-competed by invasive, shady trees. Darn.

I also learned that the “species of the month” were species that would not be here if not for the “woody invasion”! I guess a woody invasion makes for some pretty good livin’ for some of us!